Ep38 Family Meetings: A Game Changer

"And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
~ Colossians 3:17

Marriage and family life is a beautiful, romantic, sacramental vocation. And in the midst of that vocation, spouses also need to deal with finances, schedules, meal plans, parenting, budgets, and to-do lists. How are we supposed to maintain an organized home and family while being connected to each other in love & faithfulness?
 
In Episode 38, Kenna and Pat invite listeners into the concept of Family Meetings — a deliberate practice that allows couples to navigate their roles and responsibilities, as well as support their shared values and goals. With wisdom and practical tips, they discuss the benefits and structure of their Family Meetings, offering valuable advice for listeners seeking intentional living and unity within their families. Through prayer, reflection, and concrete planning, family meetings can be transformative in fostering a deeper, more purposeful connection within the home.

Episode 38 Show Notes

Click to download your Family Meeting Agenda template

Chapters
00:00: Introduction and Highs & Hards
10:21: The value of family meetings
20:27: The practicals that support our values
29:29: The Family Meeting Agenda
40:44: Takeaways from the family meeting
43:25: Challenge By Choice

Thank you for listening! Visit us online at thiswholelifepodcast.com, and send us an email with your thoughts, questions, or ideas.

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Highs & Hards
• 10:21 The value of family meetings
• 20:27 The practicals that support our values
• 29:29 The Family Meeting Agenda
• 40:44 Takeaways from the family meeting
• 43:25 Challenge By Choice

Transcript

Pat Millea [00:00:00]:
And when we take care of those kind of pragmatic details, one of the many good things that it does is it frees the rest of our time up to focus on the even more important stuff, which is our connection to each other, our relationships with our kids, our our priorities, our values, the the bigger concepts that are what marriage is really all about.

Kenna Millea [00:00:24]:
Welcome to This Whole Life, a podcast for all of us seeking sanity and sanctity, and a place to find joy and meaning through the integration of Faith and mental health. I'm Kenna Millea, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I'm with my husband, Pat Mullay, A Catholic speaker, musician, and leader, we invite you to our kitchen table. Okay. Not literally, but but you're definitely invited into the Conversations that we seem to keep having once the kids have scattered off to play and we're left doing the dishes. We're excited to share this podcast for educational purposes. It is not intended as therapy or as a substitute for mental health care. So let's get talking about this whole life.

Pat Millea [00:01:15]:
Hello, friends, and welcome back to This Whole Life. We are Patton Kenna, and you are exactly the person God made you to be. I'm really glad that you are with us today, and it's great to be with you, my beautiful bride. How are you?

Kenna Millea [00:01:28]:
I am good. I'm good. I'm, enjoying our new setting. We've been, nomadic. We've been like the holy family wandering. And now We have settled, in an office adjacent to our clinical office. And so, yeah, I'm just, like, settling into these new digs and Happy to be here with you and really excited to talk about today's topic.

Pat Millea [00:01:51]:
That's right. And And happy new year.

Kenna Millea [00:01:54]:
Happy new year.

Pat Millea [00:01:55]:
When this Episode releases, it'll be 2024.

Kenna Millea [00:01:58]:
2024. That still sounds a little bit fictitious. Like, I I remember, like, when I would see 2024 for, like, people's Credit cards on, like, the expiration of their credit card. I'm like, that's a that's a fantasy time.

Pat Millea [00:02:09]:
It will

Kenna Millea [00:02:09]:
never make it that far. Yeah. Never come. And here we are.

Pat Millea [00:02:13]:
I will see Jesus before I see 2024, but here we are.

Kenna Millea [00:02:16]:
Glass. Here we are. Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:02:18]:
What's the I always lose track now of, like, the I forget what year that they went to in Back to the Future when they had, like, floating cars and hoverboards and all that stuff. Right? Whatever it was, it was in the past for us. I mean, like, they

Kenna Millea [00:02:32]:
Really? You know that for a fact?

Pat Millea [00:02:32]:
Yeah. They thought that, like

Kenna Millea [00:02:34]:
Okay.

Pat Millea [00:02:34]:
Yeah. 2021 or 22, I think, is what they went to. Because they were in, like I when was that? Like, 1986 or something like that? Like, They went from 86 to what they thought was the unthinkable future 40 years from then. You know?

Kenna Millea [00:02:34]:
Because, I mean, they'd have to get through the Y2K portal. So

Pat Millea [00:02:50]:
Yeah. No one was gonna survive that. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:02:53]:
Yeah. No. Here we are. Alive and kicking

Pat Millea [00:02:56]:
in Kenna. for. What what are your 1st highs and hearts of the year, my love.

Kenna Millea [00:03:02]:
Yeah. Yeah. So I will start with hearts. It it and this is probably something I've said many, many times, but it just in this season, in this moment, in this time of year, Feels particularly Martin, and that is just big feelings. Big emotions For the kids, for sure. For me, also. I don't know about you. I haven't even had the bandwidth to check-in with you if you're if you're just like steady Eddie pat and just Hanging out where you normally are, which is pretty cool, calm, and collected.

Kenna Millea [00:03:37]:
But, yeah, it's just it's so difficult to regulate. And it's so you know, our kids Need us to help them to regulate and to ground. And so then when I'm also, like, out of sorts and, like, like, just Strange schedules, weird, out of routine, you know, kind of on vacation, but you're never really on vacation as a parent and a business owner. And And so, it's just yeah. It just feels like we're all a little bit off, and that makes for some emotional soup, in our house. So if we invite you over, beware. Caveat emptor. So that has just It's been a hard of, like, disciplining myself to take more time to, like, be yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:04:23]:
Create that margin. Create that Space to attune to myself so that I can really be present to them because it's not their job to soothe me and, like, calm me down.

Pat Millea [00:04:31]:
Mhmm. Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:04:32]:
So I've gotta be at the ready for them. It's just it's hard. It's hard because life just keeps moving.

Pat Millea [00:04:39]:
It sure do.

Kenna Millea [00:04:40]:
Yeah. So that's the hard. I would say the high, lately has been you know, especially coming off of Christmas, the music is a huge piece of Christmas and especially in the Millea household, a big piece of Christmas that you, I feel like, really, underscore for our family in the best way. And this year, a couple unique things have brought that out. 1, has been just a couple trips to the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra. One, to see the movie Frozen with our 13 year old, which is just like a weird thing to say. I was sharing about it with colleagues the other day, and they were like, you did what? You paid how much to do what? And I'm like, no, you guys. It felt like like I was seeing the movie for the first time For the first time in forever.

Kenna Millea [00:05:30]:
I was seeing it for the first time and,

Pat Millea [00:05:32]:
Zing. Because the orchestra plays the sound from the score of the movie and the soundtrack of the songs that they sing along to. They play the music live while the movie is being shown in its entirety on a screen above the orchestra. So they show the movie. They right. They showed the movie with subtitles. They take out all the music, and then the orchestra plays the music live. So it's just really an amazing thing to watch.

Kenna Millea [00:05:58]:
And it it makes you realize, like, what art that is you know, whatever your stance is on Disney and their shows and whatever, like, just that music is it's just so beautiful. And, the for, the, you know, the moral of that story particularly is so beautiful. But, yeah, our kids are just all more all the more into music. Our little girls are like songbirds just floating around our house singing the sweetest songs. They go to a school in which they learn a lot of Spanish and have a lot of, you know, students and teachers who are bilingual, and so they're singing Feliz Navidad, like, as if they were born with it on the tip of their tongue. Like, it is just so sweet. And so

Pat Millea [00:06:35]:
I love the part when they get to the the

Kenna Millea [00:06:37]:
The act this

Pat Millea [00:06:39]:
Right? They go. It's like it's like Joey trying to learn French on Friends. It just they they are nowhere close, but they love it, and it's great.

Kenna Millea [00:06:52]:
Yeah. And I'm just I'm loving it. It just it brings so much joy. I mean, music really does, like, lift our mood and set the tone, and The kids just initiating, asking for it, and playing a lot of it lately. So, yeah. And then their own they make music on their own instruments, and, it's beautiful. It's really, really beautiful. So coming into the new year with a heart full of gratitude for that gift of beauty, like, it really is an encounter with the for when they Enjoy the music, play the music for us, and sing along and all that.

Kenna Millea [00:07:19]:
So yeah. It's good. It's good. What about you, my darling one?

Pat Millea [00:07:23]:
I think my hard is, that We have just been having lots of conversations recently about, loved ones and one loved one in particular, a grandparent who is who is ill and probably nearing the end of their life. And, the it's good in a lot of ways. Like, you and I talked last night Kenna about how how we were feeling about that one particular grandparents and their their health, and they're preparing for the end of their life and and how it's affecting the people around them and how our emotions are doing in the midst of that. And I was telling you that it really is bittersweet in the truest sense. Like, the the person that I feel happiest for in the whole process is my grandmom because she gets to see God face to face really soon. And and, sure, it's it's There are sadnesses that I'm sure that she's feeling and different emotions and all that, but, definitely sad for the rest of us who will lose a loved one at least for a time, you know, for the rest of our lives here on earth. So, bittersweet in in the true sense. You know? St. Paul talks about we we don't grieve as those who have no hope.

Pat Millea [00:08:35]:
You know? But it's still good and appropriate to be sad because we have lost something that's important to us. So Just, you know, another opportunity to kind of reflect on the hardship of of grief and death and what that means for the person who is dying and the rest of us who are grieving in the process. So not all bad, but definitely hard in some ways. You know? I think my high is just having lots of opportunities to to watch our kids try and learn different things. You know? We've got kids that we I I we do our darndest, and I'm sure we mess it up, you know, more often than we get it right. But we do our darndest to Encourage but not push our children to do difficult things, including sports and music and and all that. So just watching them, like, try out different activities. And even so activities, you know, basketball and and, wrestling and baseball and football, things like that, music with piano and band instruments and all Pat.

Pat Millea [00:09:37]:
But even just sorting out friendships as they get older. And, you know, you and I are really thrilled and pretty humbled by the the choices of friends that our kids have made to this point in their lives. And we just are really happy to invest in the friendships that they've developed and and the families that we've gotten to know really well. So It's just fun to certainly not to live vicariously through our children. That is terribly inappropriate. But to watch them try things, sometimes fail, have to deal with the failure, and learn about themselves and about life in the midst of all that stuff. It's just a it's It's been a really fun process and can't wait for a whole new year of it. It's gonna be great.

Kenna Millea [00:10:18]:
Yeah. Amen to that. Well, speaking of new year, I'm just I'm realizing. I don't know that we ever actually planned it this way, but today's topic, might be a timely one for those Those who are like, okay. 2024, what you got for me? Like, I'm ready to Right.

Pat Millea [00:10:36]:
You know, take

Kenna Millea [00:10:36]:
my game up a notch or or kind of it

Pat Millea [00:10:39]:
Turn over a

Kenna Millea [00:10:39]:
Yeah, and it's a moment to reflect and to recognize, like, oh, we might be in a new season, or we might have more capacity than we've had before, or We don't have as much capacity as we had before, and we need new systems that can help support us through this time of chaos or uncertainty or disorganization or whatever. Wherever you're at, my point is, I am excited that we get to share with you something that has been really meaningful, not just in a practical way, but in a process way of helping you and I, Pat, to be more unified, To feel like we each make valuable contributions to the visioning of our family and and to really living out What we hear our call is as a family and as a couple. So we're talking about family meetings, which is, like, the least glamorous name we could have. We should probably have something it's to the point.

Kenna Millea [00:11:34]:
It's to

Pat Millea [00:11:35]:
Beautiful.

Kenna Millea [00:11:36]:
It's It's, there's no doubt what we're talking about here.

Pat Millea [00:11:39]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:11:40]:
So I don't know. Can you You are the LeBron James of explaining games, so maybe you could also be the LeBron of explaining concepts. What is a family meeting in a nutshell? 30 seconds or less.

Pat Millea [00:11:52]:
30 seconds or less?

Kenna Millea [00:11:52]:
30 seconds or less.

Pat Millea [00:11:53]:
Oh my gosh. Start the clock. A family meeting is a specific time set apart for, at minimum, a husband and wife. And at a certain point, maybe it's appropriate to have older kids join in the family meeting as well to handle the the mundane businesslike day to day minutiae of their lives. What are the things that are gonna make our home function well? What are the things that we need to do scheduling wise, budget wise, priority wise so that we can spend, hopefully, most of the rest of our time doing loving connection type family things.

Kenna Millea [00:12:27]:
Mhmm. Beautiful. And Awesome. Wasn't timing you, but I think that was about 30 seconds.

Pat Millea [00:12:32]:
I'll take it.

Kenna Millea [00:12:33]:
And the other thing I would say too is, like, yeah. Absolutely. It's about how are we using our time and our money And and all of that throughout the week, but it's also, like, freeing up brain space. It's like freeing up, some of that emotional bandwidth so that it can be present to the beautiful, maybe quieter, more restful, or Energetic joyful moments of family life. Right. That they don't have to have a tab running over here of, like, gotta put cucumbers on the grocery list, like.

Pat Millea [00:13:00]:
One of the great benefits of the family meeting, and we'll get to this when we talk about the the details. So I would imagine that there are maybe 2 types of people in the world. And maybe I am type 1, and you are type 2. Actually, it's probably the other way around. Let's call it, you're Type A, and I am whatever

Kenna Millea [00:13:15]:
the other d?

Pat Millea [00:13:16]:
Type D, E. I am never burdened by concerns, thoughts, plans, things that I have to like, a to do list in my head. Mhmm. You know? When I lay down I'll be asleep in 20 seconds. It's a glorious life until my negligence affects other people. But in the meantime, for the time being, it's awesome. So I I do not have this, like, running to do list, tabs open in my mental browser, all that stuff. You are.

Pat Millea [00:13:44]:
I've been told the opposite, that you have a constant to do list, and you're aware of, like, the the thing that has to happen 2 weeks from now and the 5 steps that have to happen between now and then for it to work well, things like that.

Kenna Millea [00:13:57]:
You know me, you know me.

Pat Millea [00:13:59]:
My guess is that a family meeting is good for Everyone, it's definitely been good for me too, but it's probably especially good for a person like you that you know that you've got a place coming in the next week where you can download all of that stuff that that you don't have to obsess over it or be concerned with it when you're trying to relax on a Saturday night or when you're trying to go to bed on a Monday night because you know that, Whatever. Tuesday evening, I'm gonna be able to get this all out. So I'm gonna write it all down. I'm gonna keep notes, and then I'm gonna bring it to our family Martin, and I don't have to have it take up the rest of the week.

Kenna Millea [00:14:30]:
Well and also in regard to the difference, which first of all, is really common in married couples. And if we think about it, If we had 2 people like me, we might just erupt into a volcano.

Pat Millea [00:14:41]:
It'd be two people for a little while, and then eventually, it would just one.

Kenna Millea [00:14:45]:
One of us would combust.

Pat Millea [00:14:46]:
One would destroy the other.

Kenna Millea [00:14:47]:
Yeah. So so this this balance, right, is very common, and it's also can be the source of We know that in our marriage, and I've certainly heard of it in other people's marriages. And so to your point of, like, yeah, it's good for the quote type a person over here Who always has the to do list and is, like, mentally aware. Like, there's a load a mental load about it. But I'd say it's also good for you Because and and those in your shoes because it welcomes you in to being a part of the process. I mean, a lot of conflict for us has been you feeling like you're just, like, along for the ride on this life that we are building together. And I'm like, get aboard, bud. Like, there's there's room.

Kenna Millea [00:15:28]:
And Yep. And so it really is an opportunity for us to share in that together. Also, we process really differently. Mhmm. And so, again, we'll get into it in a minute, but the way that we have set up our structure for our family meeting gives allowance for the ways that each of us naturally kind of come to realize, oh, that needs to be done, and that needs to be taken care of, and, oh, I should tell him this or ask her that. It it allows for both of us to play to our strengths. So, that's a little bit of the foundational work there.

Pat Millea [00:16:00]:
Because before we did family meetings, and even now Pat that we're in a rhythm, even when we don't when we're not both committed to it fully, in the times when we're not both intentional about it, I, by default, am more likely to just be along for the ride. And After a few weeks of that, I'll be upset about it, and I won't be happy with the situation, but my personality will lean in that direction. So It's gonna be easier for me to just, like, give up responsibility, to not really be involved in the in the the minutiae of family life. You, on the other hand, will more than likely be happy to take control and to do the things that need to be done. And then, again, For a few days, you and I can function that way. For after a few weeks, you probably are gonna start feeling resentful and bitter and angry that

Kenna Millea [00:16:48]:
It's like we've talked about this once or twice.

Kenna Millea [00:16:50]:
It's like we've had to had to resolve this issue.

Pat Millea [00:16:53]:
So it helps us to come to center and to really meet each other there and to be complementary in the true sense of the word and not opposed to each other just because we are opposites in some ways.

Kenna Millea [00:17:05]:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure. And I honestly, I don't remember where this idea came from?

Pat Millea [00:17:10]:
I was literally just thinking that, and I don't either. I can't remember.

Kenna Millea [00:17:13]:
So thank you, Lord, for whoever you put whoever you put in our path that suggested this or gave us the idea or modeled it for us. But it has been a long road. I mean, I think it's been since the beginning of our marriage. Is that too much to say? Like, Pat we've been trying to come up with a system that works. And it's only been maybe in the last, I don't know, 5 years Pat I feel like we've really hit our stride.

Pat Millea [00:17:40]:
I can go back in the Google Doc and tell you.

Kenna Millea [00:17:42]:
Can you? Okay.

Pat Millea [00:17:42]:
Our first family meeting was on March 7th, 2011.

Kenna Millea [00:17:48]:
Oh, okay. So, yeah, so we were

Pat Millea [00:17:47]:
Married for just under 2 years.

Kenna Millea [00:17:51]:
Just under 2 years. So and before that, we had some other methods of trying to track. We had, like, Some shared other ways to track it. Yep. In this Google Doc, we are in 2024, we have been using this shared Google Doc since 2011.

Pat Millea [00:18:04]:
Friends, I am looking at 168 page Google Doc. That is the record of our family's business details for the past 13 years.

Kenna Millea [00:18:14]:
It could be a good time to realize this. You're like, what were the things plaguing us back then and now? Please don't do that. Please don't do that. Oh, I got it. Think we should. So I also want To acknowledge that, you know, if you have a life that experiences a lot of anomalies and exceptions to the rule. I mean, Pat, you and I have never had 9 to 5 jobs. Like, we've never had that, like, I clock in at 8, and I'm out by 4:30, and my lunch is exactly from noon to 12:30.

Kenna Millea [00:18:41]:
Like, never ever ever in our married life have we had that. There's travel. There's speaking at nights, weekends. There are ministry events and commitments. You know, there still are those things that go on. And now we've got kids who have those kinds of things going on in their life too. So I particularly think that a family meeting is helpful, because, those those outlier, quote, you know, events and commitments are the rule now. Like, that is the norm.

Kenna Millea [00:19:08]:
It's not, will we have something outside of working hours this week? It's like, when is it? How many of them are there gonna be? And how are we gonna pivot and adjust for it? Yeah. So I I especially am speaking, I think, to those who find themselves in that season. Yeah. And the other thing too, you know, to go back to your 164 pages?

Pat Millea [00:19:29]:
168. 168. And counting.

Kenna Millea [00:19:31]:
Pages of agendas, is that this has evolved. I mean, I guarantee if we went back and looked at that first agenda, you know, back in 2011, it looks really different because we have changed. We prioritize things differently. I think we would articulate our values perhaps a little bit friendly. And certainly, our family life, what our kids need, just all of that is so Right. And so Mhmm. I'm just imagining that okay. Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:20:02]:
We will share our structure with you. And also, I wanna put this huge asterisk at the end of, like, please, please, please, please, please fiddle with it. You know, toy with it. Do make adjustments that make sense for your life and that work for your personalities and your family's needs because we certainly have had to do that and probably still Our Yeah. In small ways. So yeah. Okay. So let's talk about the practicals.

Kenna Millea [00:20:28]:
Before we actually walk through our agenda, what are some of the things that stand out to you, babe, about, like yeah. These are some ground rules and expectations that are important to help get this thing off the ground.

Pat Millea [00:20:40]:
Right. Right. So first of all, we have a a shared Google Calendar just for our family, and we've had that for years years years. I'm sure some people use Apple calendars or whatever. You know? But I'm guessing that most families nowadays probably have some kind of a of of an online calendar that everyone has access to. We would we would be we would be in big trouble if we didn't have one of those. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:21:04]:
Our kids' teachers can tell you how often we drop the ball, and it would be way worse if we didn't have Google Calendar with, like, color coded, like, yours, mine, ours, business, you know, birthdays, days, all that.

Pat Millea [00:21:16]:
Oh my gosh. So we have we have a Google Calendar that you and I both use together. So we have different colors for all those different things you just mentioned. So I know what I'm doing, and I know what you're doing. You know my schedule. We get together on the family schedule. We know what kids' practices are. It's it's exhaustive and sometimes exhausting, but it's really essential.

Pat Millea [00:21:35]:
When our kids get older and when they're able to use technology, email, calendars like this, we'll invite them into the calendar as well, and we'll give them access. And they'll be able to see what the family's doing, all that good stuff. And and really while a lot of this stuff is gonna sound pretty businesslike and pretty, frankly, boring and mundane sometimes. It really does help us have a better marriage, I'm convinced. Marriage is not a business arrangement. It's not a contract even though you kind of sign a contract on a, you know, on a government level. The day you get married, you also sign a sacramental certificate of marriage because this is a sacrament. It's It's something that God is doing in us and God willing through us.

Pat Millea [00:22:19]:
But in the world, we deal with worldly issues that are very much part and parcel with our marriage. So the ways that you and I as a married couple navigate those worldly issues is really important, and it really speaks to our values, to our commitment to each other, to our relationships. And when we take care of those kind of pragmatic details, one of the many good things that it does is it frees the rest of our time up to focus on the even more important stuff, which is our connection to each other, our relationships with our kids, our our priorities, our values, the the bigger concepts that are what marriage is really all about in in the truest sense. So, I've already acknowledged that we have an an certainly long Google Doc that is just an ongoing Google Doc. Every time, every week, we add to the top of the Google Doc the new date of the next family meeting. And leading up to that meeting, we start adding agenda items and contributing different things, again, to download them off of our mental checklist onto the family meetings document. So as you're going through your week, you're thinking through, okay. A kid has practice next week.

Pat Millea [00:23:24]:
There's a birthday party coming up that we need to pay attention to. There's this one event at church that I really wanna go to, and I wanna see if that works with the family schedule. I'm thinking about the next time I'm gonna watch Monday night football with my buddies. And if that works with the family schedule, there's speaking events coming up, and both of us separately are adding those to the Google Doc and adding to the agenda so that when we come together, we've already got a sense already of where we're gonna go and that stuff. We don't have to remember it coming to the meeting because it's all right there.

Kenna Millea [00:23:53]:
Well and I think that particularly was born out of many experiences of one of us maybe shooting the other a text or forwarding an email like, hey. We got invited to so and so's, you know, wedding or baby shower or whatever. Like, does this work? And the other one being like, I have no context for, like, what's going on in our life. I'm not near my calendar. I can't and and this overwhelming feeling like this ball has been lobbed Into your garden, and now you've gotta respond. And so it's been for me, particularly, it has been really relieving. It it took discipline, but, like, when girlfriends reach out and they're like, hey. Can we get together on such and such date? Then I say, hey.

Kenna Millea [00:24:32]:
Family meeting, Thursday night. Let me touch base with Pat, and I'll get back to you then. So I'm not leaving people hanging. Yep. But I'm also disciplining myself of, like, this is not crisis level. This is not like, Johnny broke his tooth and I need to run into the dentist. Can you pick up the kids after school today? Like, that should be dealt with. Right? But but this is, like, getting into the rhythm that most of life, It can wait.

Kenna Millea [00:24:53]:
Our world gives us this message that it can't and that we have to be beholden to Yep. Every ding and every text buzz. But the truth is that if we want to be in the driver's seat of our lives, we have to act like it. We have to be ready to take charge of it And to make intentional decisions. And so I think that that shared agenda and shared being the operative term

Pat Millea [00:25:17]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:25:18]:
Is really, Really important. The other thing, and I've kind of alluded to this, is that we, for a long time, had our Family meetings. I can't even remember now. Was it maybe Tuesday nights?

Pat Millea [00:25:29]:
I think so.

Kenna Millea [00:25:29]:
But we had this commitment of, like, literally nothing else usurps a family meeting. Now you know, that was kind of when we were getting into the groove. Because before it was like, things would trample on top of the family meeting, and then it would never happen. Yeah. Or we'd say later on, like, oh, oh, I guess we'll just do it during the kids' nap time on Sunday. No. That's not what I wanna do on my Sunday, and then I'm resentful to you for saying yes to that work thing that covered our family meeting on that Tuesday. Whatever.

Kenna Millea [00:25:56]:
So now we are so well versed, and I really do trust that you also value the family meeting as much as I do. That we are more flexible these days. But when so if you came to me and said, okay. I've been asked to speak at this thing on this Tuesday night, and then I say back to you, hey. When do you see a feasible time for us to switch our family meeting then In order for you to say yes to that speaking request.

Pat Millea [00:26:23]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:26:23]:
And, you know, vice versa from the things that go on for me. So committing to a same same time, same place also really helps create that discipline of, Guys, I'll get back to you about that social invite later because I know I can guarantee we're gonna have a family meeting, and we can talk about it on this day. Otherwise, it's you can't commit to that. That would be silly, right, to not know if the meeting's ever gonna happen.

Pat Millea [00:26:48]:
I hadn't even thought about the value actually fully of what you're talking about about being able to tell somebody who proposes some kind of a social engagement. We're having a family meeting on Tuesday. I'll let you know by Wednesday, Thursday next week. The first pastor I ever worked for at a parish was a great pastor, and one of the very practical things that he had asked us to do, This was back in the day of, brace yourself, a tangible calendar. So you would carry your little notebook calendar. I know you do. You would carry our little calendar notebook.

Pat Millea [00:27:17]:
And for us Catholic nerds, it was the old liturgical planner.

Kenna Millea [00:27:20]:
Yeah it was. With all the feast days and the vestment colors.

Pat Millea [00:27:23]:
Colors. Anyway. So I we would carry that around. That was great. And he he, like, he didn't instruct us. You know? He it's like, do what you want. But he was like, it may be good practice for you to not carry that calendar with you wherever you go, especially at parish events because he was totally right. What would happen is somebody would come up and say, hey.

Pat Millea [00:27:41]:
I've got a great idea for an event. Are you busy on March 19th or whatever? Right? And if you're sitting there holding your calendar, The only thing stopping you from opening it is I don't want to do that. Right? And he said what what it gives you the space to do is to say, you know what? I don't know right now. I don't have my calendar with me. Let me check and get back to you. And then you have a little more freedom to go back and to match it up with the rest of your life. And even if you're not busy that night, if you've had something every night for 5 days straight and that's the 6th night, it's very appropriate to tell somebody, You know what? I'm just busy. I can't pull it off that evening.

Pat Millea [00:28:19]:
Let's find another time. You know? So Yeah. It's really helpful to just have that in your back pocket. I'm I'm gonna check my calendar. We have a family meeting, and

Kenna Millea [00:28:27]:
I'll let you know. Yeah. That's great. Well, well, let's do it. Let's walk through our actual agenda. I feel like it's a little vulnerable, like breaking open our world to others and, you know, maybe receive some critical comments. Who knows?

Pat Millea [00:28:40]:
That's great.

Kenna Millea [00:28:40]:
But, but I I I one time, Pat, you explained it to me as this, and and I can think of the visual, so I'll share it because it's helpful. But you said we put the big rocks in the jar first, so then the little pebbles can fill in the spaces in between, and then we pour the sand in last to fill it in. And I think of Our agenda, this, you know, shared agenda that we go through every week as being that we talk about the most important things, the Highest values and priorities to our family first.

Pat Millea [00:29:10]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:29:10]:
And then we see what room there is for the the pebbles, and then finally, the sand.

Pat Millea [00:29:15]:
Because if you start with the sand, if you start with just pounding away at the tiny little details. You're probably never gonna fit in all those big rocks, all the big priorities. You've gotta start with the big things and then fill in with the little details as you have space.

Kenna Millea [00:29:29]:
Beautiful. Well, let's do this.

Pat Millea [00:29:31]:
Great. So first thing we do when we sit down for a family meeting is pray, of course. It's not a super long prayer necessarily. If if you wanna do a 20 minute worship session with your spouse, I think that's wonderful. You should do that. What we do is, like, a minute or two, I'll typically lead just a spontaneous prayer inviting the Holy Spirit to be a part of what we're doing, putting our family under the guidance of God's grace, that everything that we're gonna talk about in this family meeting is ultimately God's, and it's directed toward Him. We ask Him to bless our conversations, our priorities, our values, our money, that all of it can be for His glory, and that everything that we do is submitted totally to His will. So it just frames the whole family meeting, gets us off on the right foot.

Kenna Millea [00:30:19]:
Yeah. And I think it also is helpful because we're often coming from, you know, tucking kids in for bed. So our meetings are usually 8 o'clock on Tuesday nights. So tucking kids into bed and who knows how that went. And so it kind of allows us to go, okay. Regroup. Here we are.

Pat Millea [00:30:33]:
We come in panting and sweating. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:30:36]:
And maybe a little bit irritated with each other? Like, okay. Same team. Same team. So then the first thing we talk about is Mass. What Sunday Mass are we going to attend particularly now since we have a child who serves, so getting on the same page and making sure that that is on the calendar and that there are no other conflicts with that.

Pat Millea [00:30:53]:
Right. So after we've got church, which is the ultimate rock, that's the first rock that goes into the jar, then we do the sometimes long and onerous, but very important, melding of the schedules (trademark). So we start with the very next day, if we meet on Tuesday night we'll start on Wednesday, and we just walk through day by day until our next family meeting. So we just get at least that next week or whatever out of the way so that we know who's going where and when, who's who needs rides and who's getting a ride, who's driving kids where, Who do we need to ask for help from other families with rides or support or things like that? Who has a test coming up? Who has a game on Saturday? Who if we're going out of town this weekend, how we're gonna pack and prepare for that. Just going day by day by day, making sure that there are no holes, no loops left where possible miscommunication or confusion can sneak in and mess an mess up an otherwise wonderful day.

Kenna Millea [00:31:52]:
Yeah. It might be my favorite part. I'm just gonna go on the record saying that. Okay. Next, we talk about feast days, birthdays, and anniversaries. So looking at you know, we we celebrate our kids' Feast days, so that usually requires, you know, special menu or getting their input, maybe going to Mass or Adoration or just a special time of prayer. And then certainly birthdays and anniversaries of, you know, nieces and nephews, brothers, sisters, grandparents, friends, sending out a card or purchasing a gift or, you know, whatever. So looking at those things, making sure that we've got the space to be able to celebrate those in whatever way we're gonna do that.

Pat Millea [00:32:29]:
Yep. The next part might be my favorite part,

Pat Millea [00:32:31]:
which is prioritizing fun and joy as a family. So in the next section, we focus on 3 things. Number 1, a date night, that there's some point that you and I get to spend alone intentionally with each other on a date that week. Sometimes we go out and we have dinner or go do something. Sometimes these are dates at the house where we order in or we just have a normal dinner with the kids and then do our own thing at night, but we find a date night. The second thing is some kind of family fun. So if we don't have a family event built into the week already, and sometimes we do, like, we've got dinner with friends or something like that. If we don't have that already, we find a time and a space to do something together as a family as time and space allows.

Pat Millea [00:33:14]:
And then the third thing is we've gotten in this really fun tradition of one of us we'll go to Saturday morning daily Mass with one of our kids as just kind of a a dad or mom and kid alone event. So we'll go to daily Mass with them. We'll maybe go to a coffee shop and get a doughnut or something like that for fun afterwards. In a family of 7 kids, time alone with mom and dad is kind of at a premium for our children, and it's a really great opportunity for us because they are sometimes a whole different kid when they're alone with us. And it's a great time to pray, great time to celebrate. So we plan out who's doing that with which kid on a given Saturday.

Kenna Millea [00:33:51]:
Mhmm. So then the next thing we do is just confirm, look each other in the eye, and be like, okay. Next family meeting. The next time I will see you for this is such and such. And, again, it's usually Tuesday nights, but if there's some kind of an anomaly to make sure that we're both aware of it and can make adjustments appropriately.

Pat Millea [00:34:08]:
Mhmm. One of the things that we really prioritize in our schedule is physical well-being and making sure that you and I both have times to work out exercise throughout the week. So if we haven't done that already when we went through the daily schedule, then we'll just confirm, okay, these are the times that you're gonna work out. I wanna support you and give you time to do that. These are the times I'm gonna work out. I'm gonna ask for your support and giving me the freedom to do that and really supporting each other in that priority too.

Kenna Millea [00:34:34]:
Yeah. Because like you said, most of the time, it's written into kind of the rhythm of our life.

Kenna Millea [00:34:38]:
But there are things that happen that throw that off, and we have to adjust on the fly.

Pat Millea [00:34:42]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:34:41]:
So then the next thing is the budget review. Woo. So within kind of the the inner workings of the Millea household, Pat, you are, CFO. And you oversee our finances. You update our Excel spreadsheet. And so it's a chance for me to take a look at that with you, for you to ask any questions of me, like, hey. What is this for? What category do I put this in? A chance for you to say to me, hey. We're doing great.

Kenna Millea [00:35:09]:
Or oh, man. We really gotta be mindful in these last 2 weeks or, you know, what have you to reach our goals. So that's super, super helpful. I'll talk about the thing that I am the the cap the chief officer of later on. But, but, yeah, it's a good for us to talk about money at a moment we both expect it because money is such a trigger for so many of us, that to, you know, bamboozle you. Like, what's going on with our finances? You know, could I could see how you'd be defensive in that. So Right. For us both to know that this is coming and then for you to get the budget up to snuff in time, It works really well.

Pat Millea [00:35:42]:
The next item, we are a work in progress ourselves. Okay?

Kenna Millea [00:35:41]:
This could be the, yeah, the the growing edge right here.

Pat Millea [00:35:49]:
This is a bit of a do as we say, not as we do. Here's the deal. At our best, we try to the the days that we need to order something from Amazon or get it, you know, for drive up at Target or something like that. When we're at our best, we will put things in the cart of our our Amazon cart or put things in the Target cart in the app, and we will just leave it. And we will come back to it

Kenna Millea [00:36:13]:
as a family meeting.

Pat Millea [00:36:12]:
Exactly. We'll come back to it at our family meeting together, look at it and say, do we really need this thing?

Kenna Millea [00:36:20]:
And it doesn't match the budget right now.

Pat Millea [00:36:22]:
Correct.

Kenna Millea [00:36:22]:
We have been let's circle back So a few years ago, we were amazing at this. And we would, like, delete things out of the car or, like, you know, save for later, and we'd leave it and be like, nope. Not this month. Not this month. And then 2 months go by, and you're like, guess we don't really need that thing. We were okay. Okay. 2024 goals.

Kenna Millea [00:36:39]:
I'm coming for you. I'm coming for you.

Pat Millea [00:36:41]:
Right now what we're in the process of doing....

Kenna Millea [00:36:44]:
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Kenna Millea [00:36:45]:
No.

Pat Millea [00:36:45]:
No. Habit of

Kenna Millea [00:36:46]:
Trigger finger heavy.

Pat Millea [00:36:48]:
About 2 Target orders a day.

Kenna Millea [00:36:52]:
We won't even talk about the Amazon orders. Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. Next on the agenda is to review tasks from last meeting. So, in just a second, you'll hear that we each go through kind of our personal laundry list of, like, what we're bringing to the table. Right? This is just the shared pool of, like, this is standard issue. This stuff we've talked to you about so far, we do this every meeting.

Kenna Millea [00:37:15]:
But we review the tasks from the last meeting, and the way we do this and maybe, Pat, you could give them a sample of this on the website as well or on the, show notes as well. But when we're going through, Like, oh, that's a I'm gonna make kids dental appointments. He bolds that on his list of things to do. So when we review tasks From last meeting, he just runs over the last agenda and looks at his bolded items and goes, yep. I made those. Oop. Nope. Didn't do that.

Kenna Millea [00:37:40]:
Let me bump it up again to this week. And I do the same thing. So that's huge because then there's some accountability, and we both need it. That circle back is really important.

Pat Millea [00:37:49]:
Right. Right? That's huge. And then the final thing that's kind of in this joint pool of all the things that we do every single meeting is we'll look at what you and I both need in terms of self care. So

Kenna Millea [00:38:01]:
So important.

Pat Millea [00:38:02]:
Again, if it's not built into our week, and sometimes it is, sometimes you've got a girls' night out with some friends. Sometimes I've got something with some guys, you know, and it really does kind of, like, rejuvenate us and and bring us back to wholeness. If it's not built in, we'll make sure that we find and prioritize time for you to do some self care so that you can serve better for me to do the same on my end so that we can be better spouses, better parents afterward.

Kenna Millea [00:38:28]:
Yeah. So then, menu planning. So if you are the CFO and do all things related to money, I am also the CFO of the Food and recipe department.

Pat Millea [00:38:39]:
The chief food officer. Yeah. Food officer.

Kenna Millea [00:38:42]:
And, so that I just kind of oversee. We have a shared note to go over the menu and grocery items and all that. But it's a chance for us to just to touch base for you to share with me if there's anything that you've noticed that we need in terms Of, you know, kitchen things. And then also, like I said, if there's upcoming feast days or whatever, we can talk about it and make some adjustments there.

Pat Millea [00:39:04]:
Right. And then the next portion of the meeting are the parts that you and I have been adding on all week long. So before we even meet on a Tuesday night, let's say, I've been just throwing all my little items that we need to talk about on a list under my name. You've been doing the same under the Kenna category. So then when we meet, when we actually sit down after we do all the kind of joint things we just talked through, then I'll just rattle through my list. Alright. We've got some retreats that we're being asked to speak at. How when are we gonna find time to organize the garage? When are when are, what's our plan for vacation this coming summer? Things like that.

Pat Millea [00:39:39]:
Things that need a little bit more discussion, they don't happen every week. And they're just like, for this week, we need to talk about this before it gets too late. You know? So we'll each run through our agenda. If there are to dos that come out of that, like you mentioned, we'll bold it so you and I know what we have to accomplish after the meeting wraps up. We don't need to take time with to do list. This is just for conversation. Make sure we're on the same page. We can move forward in clarity.

Kenna Millea [00:40:03]:
Yeah. And then on our best days, we end in a prayer before my hair feels like it's being lit on fire. I'm running out of the room now aware of all the things I have to take care of. But but no. But really then, you know, we go our our separate ways and start tackling these things for, you know, at this point, usually, we're heading up to bed and Winding down for the night. But that is it. That is the the mystery of the family meeting unfolded before you revealed. And again, you know, a lot of that maybe flew over your head as you're listening and driving.

Kenna Millea [00:40:34]:
But if you take a look at in the shared notes, the samples that Pat will put up there and then the agenda template. Hopefully, that makes more sense. Mhmm. Mhmm.

Pat Millea [00:40:44]:
What, if you were to think of, like, 1 one takeaway or one Kenna of, like, One gift that the family meeting gives to you and me, what would your big takeaway be from this process?

Kenna Millea [00:40:56]:
Well, I mean, I've said it before or said it already, I guess, but being in the driver's seat of our life I mean, there are seasons. I am sure it will happen again. I'm not gonna be immune to it just because we have a family meeting, but, like, there are times when I don't feel like I'm in control of our time, of our kids' time. You know, so many good things come our way. So many good invitations and opportunities come our way, And it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the best for us to participate in. And that's hard for me, because I do have you know, I'm pretty extroverted, and I do have a sense of community. And I and I want to enjoy our time together and And for our kids to have full and joyful lives. And so it's tempting for me when I don't have a place that I can really be intentional and look at it as a whole.

Kenna Millea [00:41:47]:
I I can say yes to everything. And I I think we're in a pretty yes culture, yes minded. I can squeeze that in. I can fit that in. But, yeah, I I love that it makes me feel like I am actually making decisions about How to live out this call that I've heard. So, yeah, I think that's my that's my big thing. What about you?

Pat Millea [00:42:06]:
I think for me, it's, here's the thing. I always appreciate the family meeting. The family meeting is always helpful, and I I hope we never stop doing it. I don't always enjoy the process of the family meeting.

Kenna Millea [00:42:22]:
You appreciate the fruit.

Pat Millea [00:42:23]:
I am not wired for efficiency the way that you are. So, Yeah. It's like confession. I appreciate what I get out of it. I don't love the process per se. So it's very similar in that way. What what has been really helpful for me is to make it as palatable as possible on my side of the fence. So, like, it's it's as silly as it sounds, is it gonna help me be a more positive, joyful family meeting or to have a candy bar while I sit down and talk things over with you.

Pat Millea [00:42:50]:
Sharing a glass of wine with you.

Kenna Millea [00:42:52]:
Almost always, yes.

Pat Millea [00:42:53]:
Is that gonna help? Yes. The The answer is yes to both those things.

Kenna Millea [00:42:56]:
After 5 o'clock.

Pat Millea [00:42:57]:
What's the best maybe even day of the week or time of day that that you and I are both that you and I are both set up for success in being able to have these kinds of conversations. And some of them can be a little difficult at times when you're

Pat Millea [00:43:09]:
talking about money and priorities and time, things like that. So, making it as palatable as possible, maybe for the person who is least thrilled about process.

Kenna Millea [00:43:20]:
So playing to the lowest common denominator. Correct.

Pat Millea [00:43:24]:
So besides, the challenge of having a family meeting Yeah. Yeah. What what kind of challenge by choice would you offer to folks?

Kenna Millea [00:43:32]:
Yeah. Well, I would say, acknowledging in so like, in so many things that we're all at different places on the spectrum. Right? Some of you listening may be like, oh my gosh. We've been doing family meetings, and we've totally got a more efficient sounding process than you Pat, and Kenna. Awesome. And others of you are like, whoa. Mind blown. Like, didn't even Think that we could bring these concepts into domestic life.

Pat Millea [00:43:53]:
Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:43:54]:
So wherever you are in that, I would say kind of with this, vision Of what is gonna help you and your spouse be more in the driver's seat of your life. Like, I bet there are there's at least 1 area where you could be increasingly, intentional and thoughtful about how you plan out and attend to life. So maybe it's just having the conversation with your spouse of, like, I'd like us to think about a family meeting, you know, and suggesting that they also listen to this podcast episode. Maybe that is the next step toward being in the driver's seat. Maybe you already have these meetings in place and it's saying to your spouse, Let's revisit the order in which we talk about things, that, you know, maybe something needs to shift there. But giving consideration to one Step closer toward the idea of a regular time, to be able to set priorities and to make sure that what you're doing, the actual day in and day out matches the vision, because otherwise, we're we're not gonna get to where we expect to be going right. If each step isn't oriented toward that good.

Pat Millea [00:45:01]:
Mhmm. Absolutely. Man, I'm excited to have our next family meeting. What do you know?

Kenna Millea [00:45:06]:
Good news. It's coming for you.

Pat Millea [00:45:09]:
Whether I like it or not. I'll bring the wine.

Kenna Millea [00:45:13]:
I'll bring a an overflowing agenda as I always do.

Pat Millea [00:45:18]:
We both play to our skills. Do you wanna close this in prayer, babe, and send us off to to live these intentional lives.

Kenna Millea [00:45:25]:
Yeah. Absolutely. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Come Holy Spirit. Come God of order and God of life. Lord, we know that you desire us to be oriented toward you, and that the way we do that is through our vocations, through the the work and the domestic life that is entrusted to us. And so we pray, for, that you would give us the grace to desire to do this because we know it takes work.

Kenna Millea [00:46:03]:
We know it takes sacrifice, and And that can be uncomfortable or just overwhelming. So give us the grace, Lord. Gift us with your Holy Spirit, with your divine life that we might hunger for this good thing of a life that is oriented to you and to glorify you. Bless whatever conversations and adjustments need to be made so that we can be 1 step closer to this. Enlighten us, illuminate for us the path to, this life of intentionality and order. And we offer all these things through Our Lady and to your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Pat Millea [00:46:49]:
Amen.

Kenna Millea [00:46:50]:
Amen.

Pat Millea [00:46:51]:
Get that family meeting on the schedule. Yes. Here we go.

Kenna Millea [00:46:53]:
Yes. And tell us about it. I'm so curious. Like, what of this sticks, because we're just we're one couple. Right? We are one couple, and it's working for us. But I'm curious what elements stick for people.

Pat Millea [00:47:04]:
If you are the kind of person that's excited about things like this, family meetings, you're welcome. If you're the kind of person who dreads things like this, I'm very sorry, but I

Pat Millea [00:47:12]:
think it's good for you either way. Well, friends, feel free to, please drop us a rating and a review on whatever podcast app you choose to use. You can check us out online at thiswholelifepodcast.com. And again, in the show notes, you'll see templates and all kinds of stuff, the documents that we use for our family meetings. So you can take them or leave them, adapt them to your own family's needs. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook @thiswholelifepodcast. And until next time, have an amazing family meeting. Set yourself up for success

Kenna Millea [00:47:45]:
Whoop whoop.

Pat Millea [00:47:46]:
And we will see you next time

Kenna Millea [00:47:47]:
Go get in that driver's seat, you two.

Pat Millea [00:47:49]:
On This Whole Life. This Whole Life is a production of the Martin Center For Integration. Visit us online at thiswholelifepodcast.com. Check 1, 2. Test. Test. It's weird.