Ep66 The Five Love Langauges

"Above all, let your love for one another be intense,
because love covers a multitude of sins."
~ 1 Peter 4:8

What is a love language? What is MY love language?
Why is it hard to connect with my spouse?
How do I talk to my spouse about what makes me feel loved?

In this heartwarming episode of This Whole Life, Kenna and Pat explore the concept of love languages, inspired by Gary Chapman's popular book. They dive into how understanding love languages can enhance relationships, especially during the busy, challenging seasons of life. Pat and Kenna share personal anecdotes, discussing their own love languages and how these have influenced their marriage. They break down the five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch, and provide insights on how to recognize and appreciate the love languages of significant others, family, and friends. These love languages help each of us to love in the deepest sense, in self-gift for the good of others. Tune in for a mix of playful banter, thoughtful discussion, and practical advice to nurture your most cherished relationships.

Episode 66 Show Notes

Take the online quiz to discover your Love Language!

Download a summary of the Five Love Langauges

Order The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Chapters:
0:00: Intro Game and Highs & Hards
14:01: Explaining the Love Languages
19:22: Words of Affirmation
24:28: Quality Time
29:44: Receiving Gifts
33:32: Acts of Service
39:20: Physical Touch
49:54: Challenge By Choice

Reflection Questions:

1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?
2. What is your love language? What is the love language of your spouse or another loved one?
3. How have you felt loved well? What made you feel loved?
4. When have you not felt loved very well? What was happening or not happening?
5. How can you communicate better with your spouse or loved ones about your love language?

Thank you for listening! Visit us online at thiswholelifepodcast.com, and send us an email with your thoughts, questions, or ideas.

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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration

Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro Game and Highs & Hards
• 14:01 Explaining the Love Languages
• 19:22 Words of Affirmation
• 24:28 Quality Time
• 29:44 Receiving Gifts
• 33:32 Acts of Service
• 39:20 Physical Touch
• 49:54 Challenge By Choice

Transcript

Pat Millea [00:00:00]:
Hey, listen, when you do this thing, it doesn't really have as much of an impact for me because that's not my love language as when you do this thing. That thing really makes me feel loved and it makes me know that you love me as much as I'm confident that you do.

Pat Millea [00:00:26]:
Welcome to This Whole Life, a podcast for all of us seeking sanity and sanctity, and a place to find joy and meaning through the integration of faith and mental health. I'm Pat Millea, a Catholic speaker, musician, and leader, and I'm here with my bride, Kenna, a licensed marriage and family therapist. This is the stuff she and I talk about all the time, doing dishes in the car on a date. We're excited to bring you this podcast for educational purposes. It's not therapy or a substitute for mental health care. So come on in. Have a seat at our dining room table and join the conversation with us. We are so glad you're here.

Kenna Millea [00:01:14]:
Welcome back.

Pat Millea [00:01:15]:
Welcome. To

Kenna Millea [00:01:16]:
This Whole Life. A very special, lovely addition. Aw. Happy almost Valentine's Day, you lovebirds.

Pat Millea [00:01:27]:
Hello, my love.

Kenna Millea [00:01:27]:
Welcome to this awesome episode on love languages. Yeah. So excited. This has been on our radar for a while, and we thought what better time to bust out the perennial favorite Gary Chapman's love languages book and all of its other iterations. Mhmm. But to really dive into this and to talk about how this shows up in the counseling world, in the therapeutic world, but also just in daily life. So before we get to that

Pat Millea [00:01:55]:
Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:01:56]:
Highs and hards, shall we?

Pat Millea [00:01:57]:
Shall we?

Kenna Millea [00:01:58]:
And since I initiated, does that mean you get to go first?

Pat Millea [00:02:00]:
We shall. Oh, boo. Okay. That's fine. My hard lately, and maybe you can hear it in my my gravelly radio DJ voice is that we have some various illnesses running through our home and we have for it's been probably 3 weeks or so. It feels like about 3 years which I have to like take stock and be grateful. We made it all the way through I think Thanksgiving and Christmas this year with no real illnesses. I don't even know if anybody really stayed home much during the month of December.

Pat Millea [00:02:33]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:02:33]:
If we did I repressed it. I can't remember. I can't remember.

Pat Millea [00:02:36]:
We did really, really well until like the end of Christmas break and then everything hit the fan. We had one kid was throwing up. We've had other kids with fevers and and all kinds of craziness. Now you and I are getting over various things and it just has been like one hit after another like thanks be to God our family is by and large beautifully healthy

Kenna Millea [00:02:58]:
We're gonna be alright.

Pat Millea [00:02:59]:
and we couldn't be more you know blessed in terms of physical health but sometimes the germs make their way through our family of 9 and it gets to be a little much. So I'm tired of changing medications and the Tylenol for you and me and children. I'm tired of middle of the night wake ups from kids with all kinds of different needs. And I would just like everyone to be healthy and for things to be somewhat normal again as if they ever are. My high lately I think has been just something like like a music related high basically is the best way I can put it. There's music is always, well, like, one of my favorite things about human life. I love playing music. I love listening to music.

Pat Millea [00:03:41]:
And the past few months have been just a fun journey of like rediscovering some old music that I used to love and learning about some new music that I'm you know getting into and things like that. Our oldest child our daughter was in her first honor band in 8th grade a few weeks ago.

Kenna Millea [00:03:58]:
Never has a father's heart swelled with such pride.

Pat Millea [00:04:00]:
Oh boy. This former band nerd and current dad nerd was really excited. I think I was way more excited than she was about her being in this honor band. But I think she had fun. It's it's it's a lot of fun, but it's great being in a place with other people who'd love to make music and they are capable and skilled and more importantly passionate and, you can just make really beautiful music that way. So it was just a great opportunity to, like, sit in the crowd and just admire the music but also celebrate her and her accomplishments and her hard work and her joy and, yeah, looking forward to many more years of that, God willing, as we force our children to play piano and do other things.

Kenna Millea [00:04:43]:
No. It's so fun. Okay. So my high and hard, I would say I'll start with my hard. There have just been some things lately in life, and and maybe it maybe it's it's more difficult when you are feeling under the weather. Right? Like, just don't have the usual, like, human powers to resist the temptation to take things personally. Just some hard stuff in work, and in family life, and in friendships. I wouldn't even say there's so much hard.

Kenna Millea [00:05:18]:
Just things that happen when humans try to just live together and be in relationship with each other in their in their brokenness, and to resist the temptation to take it personally, to resist feeling betrayed, or slighted or rejected or, like and so just aware of, yeah, how much effort that does require, and being attentive to that is it's a hard. It's a worthy hard. It's a hard. Mhmm. I would say the high is this is kind of maybe maybe kinda goofy. But, like, Pat, I know you know this. But but, like, for you listeners, when you have a child who's maybe in a season of being one of the more challenging in the bunch. I'm not gonna say, like, an unpreferred child or anything like that.

Pat Millea [00:06:08]:
Definitely not that.

Kenna Millea [00:06:08]:
But just one that you, like, really are, like, working hard to, like, I love you always. Remind me why I like you. Yep. Like, help me out. Yep. And so, lately, having some sweet moments with a couple of our children who I feel that way about lately.

Pat Millea [00:06:27]:
From maybe in a season like that.

Kenna Millea [00:06:30]:
And I've just had these sweet moments of, like, oh, like, there you are. And and it's it's in the moment. It's it's a gift, but it also gives me hope. Like, it gives me hope that, like, this is a stage. Whatever it is that they're going through, they will overcome. This is not the whole of who they are. You know, like, their the goodness is still at the core of them.

Pat Millea [00:06:49]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:06:49]:
But I'm I'm grateful for those little bread crumbs that God offers me along the way of, like, this child is not totally lost. You are not gonna be at odds forever. You are not gonna have to struggle to like your offspring. Like

Pat Millea [00:07:02]:
Those little conversations were, like, love your enemy. It looks one very particular way, you know? Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:07:06]:
I know. Yeah. So that's my high lately.. So grateful for those. Keep them coming, Jesus. That's all I got.

Pat Millea [00:07:14]:
I'm really glad you have those moments too that's great. So, today you and I get to talk about love languages but before we talk about love languages in a serious and not too serious but a substantial sense I would like to play a goofy little game with you to get into the theme of love. Okay?

Kenna Millea [00:07:36]:
I'm not even gonna resist. That's how much I love you. I'm not even gonna resist.

Pat Millea [00:07:39]:
That is true self gift right there. Yep. Doing it for my benefit, not yours. So here's what we're gonna do. This is less of a game and more of just, like, funny, weird trivia, I guess. I'm gonna give you 30 seconds give or take and I'm gonna ask you to list all of the things that fit into this category that you can think of in 30 seconds okay all of them are love related okay your first category is movies that have the word love in the title

Kenna Millea [00:08:10]:
Okay.

Pat Millea [00:08:10]:
On your mark, get set, go.

Kenna Millea [00:08:12]:
Love story, love actually k. P.S. I love you.

Pat Millea [00:08:19]:
Oh, wow.

Kenna Millea [00:08:22]:
For love of the game. Isn't that a movie? Sure. I think it's a movie. I think it's a book and a movie movie.

Pat Millea [00:08:28]:
Like basketball?

Kenna Millea [00:08:29]:
It's it a basketball game? I don't Yeah. I think it's a baseketball movie.

Pat Millea [00:08:30]:
Maybe.

Kenna Millea [00:08:32]:
I don't see a timer going and I think my 30 seconds is almost up.

Pat Millea [00:08:35]:
Oh, I'm pretty sure it's not.

Pat Millea [00:08:36]:
It's in my brain. About 10 seconds.

Kenna Millea [00:08:49]:
Love. I bet there's a movie called love.

Pat Millea [00:08:52]:
Just love? Okay. 3 seconds.

Kenna Millea [00:08:55]:
Yep.

Pat Millea [00:08:56]:
Can. you get one more?

Kenna Millea [00:08:57]:
Nope. Sure can. Nope. Nope.

Pat Millea [00:09:00]:
Does it help you that we're recording the first thing on a Monday morning and then your brain is totally firing on all cylinders.

Kenna Millea [00:09:05]:
What other ones are really obvious that I've missed?

Pat Millea [00:09:08]:
I don't know how many are really obvious. I all I could think of isn't there like a Jennifer Lopez movie called, like, Crazy Little Thing Called Love or something like that? Crazy Stupid Love, that's one.

Kenna Millea [00:09:17]:
Crazy Stupid Love.

Pat Millea [00:09:18]:
Yes. I didn't really like that movie, but it's I don't remember that movie. But it has love in it. Yeah. That's that's fun. Okay. Round 2. You ready?

Kenna Millea [00:09:26]:
Oh, I'm really nervous. Okay. These are really hard questions.

Pat Millea [00:09:29]:
Song titles with the word love.

Kenna Millea [00:09:30]:
I knew this was coming.

Pat Millea [00:09:31]:
Ready to go.

Kenna Millea [00:09:32]:
Daggone. Love Me Tender?

Pat Millea [00:09:35]:
Yes. Elvis Presley. Very nice. Good.

Kenna Millea [00:09:38]:
What's what's the Beatles the the Love Love Me Do? Yep. Is that is that what's the title of that one?

Pat Millea [00:09:44]:
I don't know.

Kenna Millea [00:09:45]:
We're gonna call it Love Me Do.

Pat Millea [00:09:48]:
As we established, I think, in our episode with Vonda, I'm not a big Beatles guy. Yes. So I I couldn't tell you. Yeah. Go ahead.

Kenna Millea [00:09:55]:
Other things with love. Oh, the Barney song. I love you. You love me.

Pat Millea [00:10:00]:
Are you kidding me right now?

Kenna Millea [00:10:00]:
These are this is this is my life, Pat.

Pat Millea [00:10:04]:
You can send your emails by visiting thiswholelifepodcast.com.

Kenna Millea [00:10:09]:
Okay. Love.

Pat Millea [00:10:12]:
10 seconds.

Kenna Millea [00:10:13]:
Oh, this is harder than the movies.

Pat Millea [00:10:16]:
Is it really?

Kenna Millea [00:10:17]:
Apparently. Yep. I I 2. I got Elvis. I got the Beatles. I got Barney. What does this say about me? That's that's like a personality test, isn't it?

Pat Millea [00:10:30]:
I know that there's a song called Crazy Little thing called love by Queen

Kenna Millea [00:10:32]:
Yes. And you just gave that to me.

Pat Millea [00:10:34]:
I sure did. Yep. Down. Mhmm. There's the classic the what's his face I was gonna say Fred Astaire that's embarrassing Frank Sinatra the L O V E the

Kenna Millea [00:10:45]:
oh yes I think it's for the way

Pat Millea [00:10:48]:
it's just called L O V E I'm pretty sure

Kenna Millea [00:10:50]:
yep

Pat Millea [00:10:50]:
yeah something like that there's like 10,000 others. Send us your favorite ones that we missed because there are again about 10,000 of them. Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:10:59]:
Also

Pat Millea [00:11:00]:
Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:11:00]:
Please send emails in support of whether the Barney theme song also came to your mind, and I'm not the only weirdo. Okay. Thanks. Alright. What's next?

Pat Millea [00:11:09]:
Round 3. K. People with the name Love.

Kenna Millea [00:11:14]:
Oh.

Pat Millea [00:11:14]:
Ready go.

Kenna Millea [00:11:16]:
Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nice. That's all I got.

Pat Millea [00:11:20]:
That's the that's the one.

Kenna Millea [00:11:24]:
Lyle Lovett.

Pat Millea [00:11:26]:
Hey. Hey. I love it. Very nice.

Kenna Millea [00:11:31]:
And I'm sure there are athletes with the last name.

Pat Millea [00:11:36]:
All I could think of were athletes. Yeah. And one

Kenna Millea [00:11:39]:
Oh oh, Jeremiyah Love.

Pat Millea [00:11:40]:
Jeremiah Love, Go Irish. That's right.

Kenna Millea [00:11:42]:
Notre Dame running back?

Pat Millea [00:11:43]:
Notre Dame running back Okay. Slash hurdler of

Kenna Millea [00:11:46]:
Slash hurdler.

Pat Millea [00:11:46]:
Defending cornerbacks. Yes. Good.

Kenna Millea [00:11:50]:
Yep. So I, I get points for all the athletes, and then I'm sure there are movie stars.

Pat Millea [00:11:56]:
Probably. Jennifer Love Hewitt is a good pull. I don't think I could have gotten that way. 15 year old me would have been that would have been front of my mind, but I did not think of that right now.

Kenna Millea [00:12:06]:
But that's not yeah.

Pat Millea [00:12:06]:
The other one so, Packers quarterback Jordan Love Nope. I'm sure you're familiar. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Former Minnesota Timberwolf Kevin Love. I'm sure you knew him.

Kenna Millea [00:12:17]:
K Love. Right?

Pat Millea [00:12:19]:
K Love. Right? That's that was his nickname. Right? Exactly. Former musician Courtney Love. Ah, yes. Hole. That was the other one I could think of. Hole.

Pat Millea [00:12:28]:
Exactly. From the band Hole. Uh-huh. And that's also why all I got. Yeah. That's great. I think I had one more. Let me look and see.

Pat Millea [00:12:37]:
Let me see. Alright. We'll see if if we have time for this, we'll leave it. And if this doesn't work, I'm gonna cut it out. So if you hear this in the podcast, you know that it was worth leaving in. Okay? Oh, my Places questionable. That have names related to love in some way.

Kenna Millea [00:12:58]:
K. Oh, the song, that's Amore. That would be like

Pat Millea [00:13:02]:
That's Amore. Yes. That's correct.

Kenna Millea [00:13:04]:
That's Italian for love. Okay. So Love's gas stations. Does that work?

Pat Millea [00:13:14]:
Sure. We'll take the Love truck stop. Yes. There's a lot of those. There are a lot of those.

Kenna Millea [00:13:19]:
That's like 85 points.

Pat Millea [00:13:21]:
That's

Kenna Millea [00:13:23]:
I feel like isn't there, like, Loveland, Colorado?

Pat Millea [00:13:26]:
Yes. Very good. There is. Okay. Nice job.

Kenna Millea [00:13:32]:
Oh, brother. Okay. That's all I got.

Pat Millea [00:13:36]:
That's it?

Kenna Millea [00:13:36]:
That's it. Got Loves truck stops and

Pat Millea [00:13:39]:
love The city of brother we love, Philadelphia. That's all I got. Yeah. Uh-huh. I feel like there's, like, oh, I was gonna go with Hartford, Connecticut.

Kenna Millea [00:13:47]:
Oh, that's cute. I see what you did there.

Pat Millea [00:13:50]:
Yeah. It's a little bit sad. So, anyway, thank you for playing along. Yes. That was fun. Whether you thought so or not, I thought it was fun.

Kenna Millea [00:13:57]:
We'll let the listeners decide.

Pat Millea [00:13:58]:
Should we get more serious? More serious. Let's talk love languages.

Kenna Millea [00:14:03]:
Love languages. What are we talking about when we talk about love languages, Pat?

Pat Millea [00:14:08]:
Well, as, the resident love language expert, I can tell you that Gary Oh,

Kenna Millea [00:14:14]:
you are the oh, that I was thought you're looking at me but no.

Pat Millea [00:14:17]:
Definitely not. No. Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:14:19]:
Tell me. Speak fluently to me.

Pat Millea [00:14:20]:
No. No. Not at all. So, book The 5 Love Languages written by Gary Chapman years ago has been wildly popular. It's talked about in Christian circles, in mainstream circles, and the way that it plays out in relationships is that different people have different ways that they are most able to receive the love that others offer them. Mhmm. So all of us have certain kind of like instinctual or like built in ways that we perceive love Mhmm. And that love is communicated to us.

Pat Millea [00:14:55]:
And, the more that we can understand, the more that I can understand the ways that love is most clearly communicated to me, the more I can be aware and communicate to you, someone who I do love, hey, listen, when you do this thing, it doesn't really have as much of an impact for me because that's not my love language as when you do this thing. That thing really makes me feel loved and it makes me know that you love me as much as I'm confident that you do. Right?

Kenna Millea [00:15:26]:
Mhmm.

Pat Millea [00:15:27]:
And then in return, I can be attentive to my own, signs of love for you, and I can try to show love to you as someone that I care about in a way that you can most easily receive.

Kenna Millea [00:15:38]:
Yep. Yep. And I think this this has been so helpful. Like, why has Chapman's book been so popular? Because for so long, I think, you know, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, significant others have have felt, like, stumped by, I am showing, I am demonstrating love. Like, why does my significant other act as if I don't? And as you said, Pat, because if it's not the recipient's love language, it it kind of falls on deaf ears, you know, or the gift goes unnoticed or that act of service goes unrecognized, and it can be so frustrating. It can be such a source of hurt and resentment and feeling unwanted, feeling undesired, feeling not sacrificed for.

Pat Millea [00:16:20]:
Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:16:21]:
So it has huge implications for our relationships. And and the good news is, you know, especially for our listeners who we absolutely, you know, recognize are people who desire to to be loving, to give of themselves, that armed with a bit of knowledge, a little bit of self awareness, and then, you know, disclosing that to one another, this can really carry you far in a relationship. Mhmm. Especially, when you're in those, like, trench war years, where you're not dating anymore. You know, you've got the little kids, maybe you're both working or one's a stay at home parent and one's out working. And and the time you have together is is so minimal compared to what it used to be, you know, in the dating years, in the engaged years, maybe early marriage. And so, to be able to be impactful with the energy you put toward expressing love Yeah. Someone who really cares about efficiency and productivity, like, I wanna know.

Pat Millea [00:17:23]:
I'm tempted to say that's your love language, but that's not one of Gary Chapman's 5. So It's the 6th.

Kenna Millea [00:17:29]:
But I I wanna know that it's making a difference. Right?

Pat Millea [00:17:32]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:17:33]:
So anyhoo, I I'm wondering if it would be helpful for us to just go through what are these 5 lung love languages for anyone who doesn't know. Mhmm. And, also, just for all of us, just to clarify, like, yeah, what does that look like? And, again, to be thinking about it from the perspective of the recipient, of the one who receives this. Yeah. Do you wanna kick us off with the first love language?

Pat Millea [00:17:53]:
I would love to. Yeah. And I just wanna, first of all kind of hang on to what you said for a moment that when when people maybe start a relationship, when they're dating, when they're just kind of in the falling in love process, these conversations may seem a little bit silly because in that stage of a relationship in a very beautiful healthy way the emotions kind of carry them for a lot of their time together. Right? It I I remember when we were dating it felt like there was nothing that we did that wasn't full of love and joy and celebration. I felt loved by you basically all the time. Maybe you felt the same hopefully, but there we didn't have to have a lot of in-depth conversations about you know what when you do that it actually doesn't say to me what you think it does you know it doesn't hurt me but it really doesn't carry the love that you want to communicate you know when you get past that stage and the emotions come and go right the emotions are not what make a friendship a marriage a healthy relationship the emotions are great but they're not the goal you know when when it's when you're in that kind of fog of war stage of marriage and family life then it really does help to be clear about how can I show you love best when when it's not automatic when it's not natural when it's not just instinctual

Kenna Millea [00:19:15]:
Mhmm?

Pat Millea [00:19:16]:
What are the ways that we can really work together in this, you know? So that's a great point. I love that. So, so let's start out. Yeah. So, Gary Chapman talks about 5 different love languages, And the first one is words of affirmation. So this is the love language that's all about vocalized words or, written words of some kind. So it's saying to someone that you love, even saying the words I love you, which, 20 second story, which I think is hilarious, and beautiful but also funny. My great aunt and uncle were the farmers in Northwest Iowa, and he is just like salt of the earth, blue collar, great, like, dutiful Irish farmer.

Pat Millea [00:20:09]:
Right? Like, you do what you're supposed to do, you take care of the people that you love, and you don't complain about any of your duties, responsibilities. A very good man. Right? Probably not the most, like, emotionally forthcoming human that's ever lived, which is fine. People some people are different places on that spectrum. So they had been married maybe for 40 years or so and my great aunt came into the room where my great uncle was watching TV one night and she said, you never say you love me. I've been married to you 40 years. I don't think I could count on 2 hands the number of times you've told me I love you. And without looking away from the TV, my dear sweet great uncle said, well, I told you 40 years ago if it changes I'll let you know, Which I I love.

Pat Millea [00:20:55]:
I think it's hilarious. And there really is. I I think there is a an admirable and beautiful sense of, like, duty and and loyalty, faithfulness there. Right? That my my faithfulness to you does not depend on my words you know my actions speak louder than words I would though would suggest that maybe telling someone that you love that you love them is a really healthy habit to get into as well

Kenna Millea [00:21:20]:
well and also right she she was doing the vulnerable thing. Your great aunt was doing the vulnerable thing

Pat Millea [00:21:25]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:21:25]:
Of demonstrating, like, this is something I need to hear. And and that's exactly what a love language is. It's it's something I need. I you you don't just fill my cup once with that. Like, I need it over and over again. And so when it comes to words of affirmation, that confirmation of here's the goodness that I see in you Mhmm. It it needs to be articulated. It needs to be clear.

Kenna Millea [00:21:46]:
Yeah. So

Pat Millea [00:21:46]:
So maybe it's telling the person that you're you are married to or that you're dating, I love you in a specific way, you know, in the morning, at night. Maybe it is writing little notes, that you leave for them when they get home from work or that you stick in their bag for the day. Maybe it's sitting down with them at the end of the day and just, like, eye to eye. Here is one thing that I really love and appreciated about you today. And maybe you don't know how great you are at this, but I see how great you are at this. That's that's a really beautiful love language for for many, many people.

Kenna Millea [00:22:22]:
And it's something that I will assign often to clients, you know, particularly for those who are in these really busy years where you could go, you know, 15 years just being ships passing in the night between kids activities, between illness of kids, between, you know, parent teacher conferences, and your own board meetings for work, and all, like, of when they come to me, one of the things that I wanna help them build up is this culture of appreciation and affirmation and being clear about that. Oftentimes, it is someone's love language, and so that helps. But, but getting in this habit, getting in this routine, it is vulnerable. It is risky to say this, but it's it's beautiful. And it's something that we can use not only in our marriages, but also with our children, with our siblings, with our parents, like, being mindful of their love language as well.

Pat Millea [00:23:14]:
Yeah. This is not just romantic relationships that this is at play. Yeah. And what's really helpful with all these love languages by the way is that if if this is your love language that means that this particular thing is very powerful in your life. So for words of affirmation, for example, that means that words are very powerful And what that means is that words can be powerful for good or for evil in your life. So if you're the kind of person who has words of affirmation as your primary love language that means that cutting words, insults, sarcasm, belittling words are probably going to be more impactful for you and more destructive for you than for somebody else. Mhmm. So that's something to really be mindful of as well, that if you are in a relationship or in a friendship with somebody who really appreciates words of affirmation, being really careful about the way that you offer criticism or request for change, that it's very positive, it's very gentle, that it's not demeaning, it's not condescending, so you can help communicate love even when there's a disagreement.

Pat Millea [00:24:18]:
And there's a beautiful kind of 1 page document that we've got good summaries of all these on. We'll share that in the show notes and in the description below so you can see what we're talking about.

Kenna Millea [00:24:28]:
So the second love language then is quality time. And, Pat, I know this is one of your top two love languages. Most people have about 2 love languages that really resonate Yeah. Above the rest for them. And this is yours. And so for you, as I've come to learn, it's that, like, full attention, just, being present to you. You know, I it to this day, it boggles my mind that something like a movie, like, sitting next to each other in the dark watching a movie, like, makes a difference for you. And it's taken me

Pat Millea [00:25:01]:
the best.

Kenna Millea [00:25:02]:
A lot of humility, and, we're 18 years into it of me being, like, okay. So you say, and accepting that that means something to you. Just that that sacrifice of being present. You know, not me sending emails on my laptop while next to you. That doesn't count in the same way that, like, really just being present and watching some Marvel Cinematic Universe feature with you.

Pat Millea [00:25:27]:
It doesn't have to just be that.

Kenna Millea [00:25:29]:
Matters. And so then, again, conversely right? So then when we're trying to have a conversation, maybe if we're out to dinner together or something, and if I'm on my phone or preoccupied, like, that detracts from the quality time. That really can can be a hurt to the relationship, and you can actually feel, like, slighted and, and like disrespected and disregarded when I act that way.

Pat Millea [00:25:57]:
Mhmm. And the movie quality time is a great example of the ways that people's different love languages show up differently in a marriage for example that my my high priority that I put on quality time means that sitting next to you, someone who I love so much watching a movie is a beautiful way that I love to be connected to you. That feels like a total waste of time to you oftentimes or at least that's what you've told me that, like but we're not talking to each other. What I'm

Kenna Millea [00:26:25]:
like, I'm not learning anything about you. You're not learning anything about me. Well and also with our kids, like, you've you have had to help me understand that, watching a movie with our kids is not just, like, a loophole for parenting. Like, I'm like I'm like, you just don't wanna do the hard thing of

Kenna Millea [00:26:41]:
being with the children. And you're like, no. Really kinda. Like, the idea of on a, you know, winter's Friday night, like, snuggling up and all of us being in the living room together and watching a movie, I don't get it. And and I and, also, I believe you Mhmm. When you say, like, this matters to me. Like, this makes a difference. I feel connected.

Kenna Millea [00:27:02]:
I feel loved when we do this. Yeah. And I think that's just such a good point, Pat, of, like, I I do see couples in my office, and I've certainly been this person who, like because I don't intellectually get it, I'm, like, you're full of it. Like, that that's that's a bunch of baloney. Like, you just don't wanna talk to me. You just wanna watch movies. You'd rather watch movies than talk to me and engage with me. And I I think that is important to to emphasize here that, like, you don't need to understand why this other love language speaks to your beloved.

Kenna Millea [00:27:34]:
Mhmm. You just need to accept it as part of who they are and that that none is is better than another. Right? This isn't, like, a value judgment of, like, well, if you if you like to receive gifts, you're pretty shallow. No. Right. Like, you're pretty materialistic. Yep. That it really is just taking them at face value and going, okay.

Kenna Millea [00:27:51]:
Thanks for loving me enough to let me know how I can best love you. I wanna take that information. I wanna run with it. I wanna do well with it. I wanna safeguard it. Mhmm. But it is hard because we just, you know, naturally insert our own preferences. And I'm like, what? How can a movie do that for him?

Pat Millea [00:28:11]:
Totally. And how important it is to actually talk about this stuff with the person that you love that Yeah. If you and I and there have been times where you and I have not talked about this and communicated very well that when I suggest just sitting down and watching a movie with you the way that you might interpret that is you don't want to spend time with me, you don't want to be connected to me, you don't want to get to know me, you don't you don't love me the way that I thought you did, you know. And when when I want to watch a movie and you say, no, no, no, we need to sit down, look into each other's eyes we need to talk to each other maybe I feel threatened of like oh my gosh does she think I'm not good enough if if we're not like connecting on this level do I have to do I have to be something different in order for her to be love in love with me, you know? So we we at our best, we move past that. We talk clearly. We're able to come to a place where we both feel loved and appreciated, but holy cow communication makes a huge difference with this.

Kenna Millea [00:29:06]:
Well, and you just pointed out like that even within quality time, you and I have such different desires within that, because I do love quality time, but I wanna I wanna go for a walk. I'm always asking you to go for a walk on date nights, and you're like, this is the worst. But, like, going on a walk and having a conversation, even the drive to an event for me if we're just talking and sitting side by side, like, that matters. Like, that to me registers as quality time. So just love these differences and nuances.

Pat Millea [00:29:34]:
It's so great.

Kenna Millea [00:29:34]:
We are just such unique creatures, We humans.

Pat Millea [00:29:38]:
What a funny God we have to make us all so different and complimentary. You hinted at number 3 already. So the 3rd love language is receiving gifts. And like you said this do not misunderstand this as being a shallow superficial materialistic person. This does not mean, you know, getting your your spouse a Rolex or like a car when you want to show them that you love them. You know, receiving gifts means giving something tangible to the person that you love and feeling loved when you receive a gift from somebody else. It could be something homemade. It could be something that costs $2, but it's a very thoughtful, meaningful gift Mhmm.

Pat Millea [00:30:24]:
Connected to your relationship with each other. What what it communicates more than the physical thing is I think about you when I'm not with you. I I have planned my love for you, and I want to offer you something to show you the love that I have for you. And for someone who has this love language, that is exactly the way that they can receive it. Is they feel all of the meaning and the emotion and the intention behind the gift. So it's not exactly about the thing, it's about the love that that

Kenna Millea [00:30:54]:
Mhmm. The

Pat Millea [00:30:54]:
thing represents.

Kenna Millea [00:30:55]:
It's symbolic of that love. Mhmm. Yeah. And so this one's interesting because I'm curious where gift giving registers for you, Pat. I don't love receiving gifts. Like, I I I can't think of a gift that I was, like, really, like, over the moon.

Pat Millea [00:31:11]:
You are pretty take it or leave it, mostly. Yeah. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:31:14]:
I I like I like receiving experiences as gifts. But, again, that's more like a quality time Correct. Kind of deal. Yeah. But, anyway, but I like giving gifts. I enjoy Mhmm. Like, I was thinking about, the other day, I was in a shop and saw a candy from my childhood, Charleston Chews. Just a shout out to Charleston Chews.

Kenna Millea [00:31:33]:
Barney and Charleston Chews. Like, I am, like, circa 8 right now.

Pat Millea [00:31:36]:
Seven year old Kenna is really coming through today.

Kenna Millea [00:31:39]:
But I was in a shop and saw Charleston Chews, and I was like, I should buy these for the kids to try. Like, it was a super silly little thing. I was like in an old old school, like, general store. Yeah. But little things like that, I get really excited about that stuff. But if someone did that for me, I'd be like, cool. Oh, thanks. Isn't that just so I think that's so fascinating, though.

Kenna Millea [00:32:00]:
Like, I think in that way, but I don't receive in that. I think to give in that way, but I don't really receive in that way.

Pat Millea [00:32:05]:
Totally. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:32:05]:
Yeah. Yeah. I love the hunt for a good gift. I don't I don't I can't think of the last time a gift really like wowed me.

Pat Millea [00:32:11]:
You are a very good gift giver and you really don't care about gifts from other people. It's it's I don't know.

Kenna Millea [00:32:16]:
I don't know how to explain that.

Pat Millea [00:32:17]:
And then so then the the dark side or the the the way that giving gifts has power in the negative sense is that if if you're the kind of person who loves to receive gifts, if that's your love language, then someone forgetting your birthday, an anniversary, Christmas, or just like even a thoughtless gift like a like the classic cliche 5 o'clock on Christmas Eve go to go to like Walgreens type gift you know what I mean like yeah like those gifts are gonna do maybe even more harm than good because instead of communicating I I've thought about this in advance there's intention behind it it communicates to somebody whether or not it's a nice gift I didn't really think about this I it seems like I don't think about you which may not be true but that's the message that they're receiving if this is their love language.

Kenna Millea [00:33:07]:
Yeah. Yeah. That's that one's tough because that requires some pre planning some budgeting.

Pat Millea [00:33:13]:
Put the dates in your calendar and never forget them. No.

Kenna Millea [00:33:16]:
I'm thinking about all my friends who probably maybe have gift receiving as a love language, and I'm just, like, the worst at acknowledging this. So, anyway, sorry, guys. Okay. Final one? Final?

Pat Millea [00:33:29]:
No. 4th out of 5.

Kenna Millea [00:33:30]:
2 more. So sorry. 4th one, love this. It's acts of service.

Pat Millea [00:33:37]:
This is your love language.

Kenna Millea [00:33:37]:
Are my children listening? Are I know my spouse is listening. Are my children listening? You know those, like, coupon books of, like, give you a back massage

Pat Millea [00:33:46]:
Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:33:47]:
Make you breakfast and I let's bring those back.

Pat Millea [00:33:50]:
That is the gift you wanna receive.

Kenna Millea [00:33:51]:
I know that those, like, were the cliche when we were growing up.

Pat Millea [00:33:54]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:33:55]:
And it was, like, this is the cheap, you know, the 10¢ way to, like, do mother's day Yeah. That your teachers helped you with before school let out for summer. But, like, that would that would ring true for me. That would register high. Okay. So what is acts of service? Things that we do to ease the burden of responsibilities on the recipient. So things like, Pat, when you this morning, darling, when I got into our 12 passenger van to take the children to school and we were late because of Catholic Schools Week, love it. Oh.

Kenna Millea [00:34:28]:
I really do. I really love Catholic. I love anytime the teachers have us dress up, you know, but anyways okay. So

Pat Millea [00:34:32]:
I have a love hate relationship with Catholic Schools Week.

Kenna Millea [00:34:35]:
So anyways but when I found that you had put gas in the van, did you do it yesterday?

Pat Millea [00:34:40]:
I put some gas Yeah. In the van.

Kenna Millea [00:34:42]:
Knowing you're gonna go to Costco and you're gonna fill up the cheap gas tomorrow.

Pat Millea [00:34:45]:
It would have been yesterday.

Kenna Millea [00:34:46]:
But but on the drive home from church yesterday, it was down to, like, 70 miles whatever Mhmm. Tank in the tank. Yep. And this morning, I got in the van. I was like, daggone it. Like, I take the kids to school. They were late. I was trying to get to 8 o'clock Mass this morning.

Kenna Millea [00:34:58]:
And then I looked down and it was halfway full. And I was, like, I am so in love with this man. Like, that just better than any gift you could have given me.

Pat Millea [00:35:08]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:35:09]:
You gave me the gift of time.

Pat Millea [00:35:10]:
I gave you the gift of gas.

Kenna Millea [00:35:13]:
And You're welcome. Gift of time, and you saved me from standing in the frigid Minnesota winter

Pat Millea [00:35:19]:
Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:35:20]:
Pumping my own gas. Mhmm. So thank you. Thank you.

Pat Millea [00:35:22]:
You're very welcome.

Kenna Millea [00:35:23]:
Good, kindly, gentleman. Okay. So that is an act of service and that rings real high on my, what's that called? Hierarchy.

Pat Millea [00:35:32]:
It is a goofy thing that I, the the filling up of the gas is something that I really try to own as best I can as a husband as an act of service for you of not making you my beautiful bride stand in the cold weather of Minnesota to fill up gas.

Kenna Millea [00:35:49]:
Do you think you would do it if it didn't register so high for me? Like, if I didn't care about it. I I know it's, like, hard to know. But, like, do you think you would be

Pat Millea [00:35:56]:
No. One of the reasons that I do it is we early in our marriage, we went on some, like, marriage booster thing. Yeah. And I remember one of the gals presenting was talking about early in her marriage so when she was growing up as like a teenager college student her dad would always fill up the gas tanks for her mom and for her the daughter so she literally just

Kenna Millea [00:36:18]:
didn't know how she

Pat Millea [00:36:21]:
she knew how it was not like an intellectual problem she she knew how to do it but she just number 1 was was not in the habit of doing it and number 2 she she was just raised with this understanding of this is what the dad does

Kenna Millea [00:36:37]:
the fairy comes yeah

Pat Millea [00:36:38]:
right yeah the the wife doesn't do this the the husband fills up the gas that's part of the husband job right so then she gets married and the husband does not know this, and he does not have this understanding.

Kenna Millea [00:36:49]:
It's not part of the decree.

Pat Millea [00:36:50]:
So her her tank, she watches her tank the first few months of marriage that her it gets lower and lower, and she has to fill it up on her own. And she is, like, harboring resentment. She's so hurt. So she had to go to him be, like, what is your problem? I thought you loved me, and he was totally blindsided. Had no idea. So it's a funny story. They figured it out. They they

Kenna Millea [00:37:09]:
Clearly. If they were leading our marriage Yes.

Pat Millea [00:37:10]:
That's correct.

Kenna Millea [00:37:12]:
God bless them.

Pat Millea [00:37:13]:
But I but that was like a really good poignant image for me of like okay so practical love for my spouse can look a 1,000 different ways but this is one very minor sacrifice that I can make out of love for you and because it is your primary love language that tiny act of love is amplified times a thousand like I can I can write a 1,000 little love notes and I'm sure you'd appreciate every one of them

Kenna Millea [00:37:42]:
I mean let's not stop but. Are these gonna be affirmation so

Pat Millea [00:37:46]:
But they would not carry the the weight they would not be amplified like an act of service would be right

Kenna Millea [00:37:51]:
It's true

Pat Millea [00:37:52]:
when I when I like just totally out of the blue clean some part of our house that you've been wanting cleaned

Kenna Millea [00:37:59]:
Yes?

Pat Millea [00:37:59]:
For a month. Holy cow.

Kenna Millea [00:38:01]:
Like our bathroom this weekend?

Pat Millea [00:38:02]:
Like our bathroom this weekend.

Kenna Millea [00:38:02]:
Thank you. You're welcome. Which softened the blow when you had a work commitment pop up and had to scoot and I was left solo parenting all day Saturday.

Pat Millea [00:38:12]:
So at least you came home to a clean bathroom. Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:38:14]:
That's right. Okay. He can stay. No. I I I love this. And I think not only that story about the gap that the woman whose dad always filled up the gas, that's such a good illustration of, like, yeah. And you sometimes don't know that you need to talk about this until you stub your toe.

Pat Millea [00:38:32]:
The the

Kenna Millea [00:38:32]:
marriage, the relationship stubs its toe on something of, like, oh, the we have to voice these expectations or not even just expectations, but I have to tell you about just how much this means to me, how much I feel cared for by you and seen by you and protected by you. Mhmm.

Pat Millea [00:38:47]:
Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:38:47]:
So, again, such a great underscoring of, like, discussing this. This is a preview of the challenge by choice, by the way. Like, such a good emphasis on yeah. Gotta talk about these things. Gotta make them explicit. We cannot expect mind reading. This is a dangerous territory to expect mind reading.

Pat Millea [00:39:05]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:39:06]:
So, anyhoo.

Pat Millea [00:39:08]:
So great. Don't you feel so loved about your acts of service now that you get to talk about it? Yes. The greatest. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:39:13]:
You're, like, really hoping I write these down.

Pat Millea [00:39:15]:
My quality time, your acts of service. Those are those are our top 2 for sure.

Kenna Millea [00:39:19]:
Definitely.

Pat Millea [00:39:20]:
The 5th and final,

Kenna Millea [00:39:22]:
physical touch.

Pat Millea [00:39:23]:
Physical touch.

Kenna Millea [00:39:24]:
I don't know why talking about love languages makes me wanna sing, but it really just does. I think I just feel like I wanna put us in a loving mood. Yeah. So this is this is a hot topic for so many couples as you can imagine. Mhmm. Coming into my office, talking about challenges in the realm of physical touch. And and we don't just mean sex. Right? We're not just talking about in the bedroom, but throughout the relationship, ways in which we just lovingly, physically connect.

Kenna Millea [00:39:56]:
Again, one of the things that I will have couples do, is when we're practicing reflective listening, which we will have an episode coming up on listening soon. But, is turning to each other, making eye contact, and then I say to them, is there a way that physical touch could be a part of this conversation that feels really natural? Like, great. Don't no need to, like, hold each other in a 10 minute embrace while you're having a conflictual conversation.

Pat Millea [00:40:21]:
Or like a firm handshake.

Kenna Millea [00:40:22]:
Right. But just but, like, a hand on the knee or, you know, can you put your arm around her? Can you lean into him? Just these ways of connecting with each other physically, are so important. And, Pat, I know this ranks I was asking you the other day, like, do you think your love languages are still the same as they were when we came into this marriage, and what do you think they are? And so you said quality time and physical touch.

Pat Millea [00:40:47]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:40:48]:
And I said, for sure, extra service still the same and physical touch. I think mine have flipped. I think coming into marriage, physical touch was actually my top, which just statistically men tend to hold that as a higher love language than women. But I remember and I don't know if you recall this, Pat. Like, I remember in the early days of marriage, like feeling very hurt. And of course, you know, we have a couple episodes related to lots of things that were going on in our physical relationship as well.

Pat Millea [00:41:19]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:41:20]:
And things that were challenging our sense of intimacy and safety and security with each other. But, but I remember feeling so disappointed that I I thought that once we got married, it would just be a constant physical touch fest. Like, we would just, like, we would go to bed holding hands. We would, like, sit next to each other on the couch always. We would, you know, eat dinner, like, touching knees. I mean, I don't know what I envisioned, but, like and now with 7 children between us, like, it just cracks me up. But but I

Pat Millea [00:41:51]:
We're lucky if I get to hold your hand once a week too.

Kenna Millea [00:41:54]:
I mean, we had a child sleep between us last night for crying out loud or half the night. She wasn't sleeping. She was flopping like a fish. But but, but I remember being so let down and kind of like thinking that, like, oh my gosh, marriage, like, this is going to be amazing. This is I'm never going to have to ask for it again. I'm never going to have to feel, like, embarrassed that I want it. Like, you're my husband. Like, it's totally great.

Kenna Millea [00:42:18]:
And Mhmm. And we had to have several conversations of, like, what's reasonable, what what is, you know, kind of that that balance between you being, like, I I just need some space sometimes. Like, I just can't

Kenna Millea [00:42:33]:
go to sleep.

Pat Millea [00:42:34]:
Stop touching me, woman.

Kenna Millea [00:42:35]:
Spooning you all the time. And and me being, like but I I would I'm asking for this love language to be satiated. Yeah. So, anyway, those are things that I remember.

Pat Millea [00:42:47]:
And even within so both you and I have physical touch somewhere in our top 2 definitely top 3 but probably top 2 for each of us but even the way that it's expressed sometimes needs clarity and openness right, the my favorite

Kenna Millea [00:43:02]:
Are you going to talk about the pushing?

Pat Millea [00:43:04]:
yes that's exactly what I'm gonna talk about that's right so dear listener there we there was a habit that I got into in our marriage of you can imagine so in in your relationship with me Kenna we live in a home with 7 children there are 9 people in our home and people are moving past each other every minute of every day right my favorite like goofy description of marriage I saw online at one point was marriage is 60 years of the person you love most standing in front of the one drawer you need right now which is very accurate so whatever so we're passing through the kitchen in the house all the time whatever And I, in my brain, was like, oh, what a beautiful opportunity for a little physical touch. So I would just give you a little a little touch on the small of the back as I passed you by. Like, oh, my my dear sweet precious one who I am committed to and give myself to sacramentally day after day. And I just give you a little touch, a little reminder of my love. And after about what 2, 3 years of doing this something like that maybe longer, you finally were like, why are you pushing me out of the way?

Kenna Millea [00:44:14]:
What is your problem? Why are you using me as, like, a launching pad? You, like, shove me in the back to, like, propel yourself forward.

Pat Millea [00:44:24]:
So in my mind, what was a a little love tap, a beautiful little, like, oh, I I enjoy being near you and I enjoy physical touch with you, you perceive as me just, like, dismissing you. Oh my gosh. Move aside, obstacle.

Kenna Millea [00:44:37]:
It was the worst. It was the worst. And after we had that conversation, I remember it would take you, you know, it it I don't know. It took you a month or so

Pat Millea [00:44:46]:
Oh, yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:44:47]:
To to cut the habit because it really was a habit. It had gone on for so long. I don't know why I let it go on for so long, but it went on for so long. And, like, you would do it, and then you'd be like, I would, like, turn around with, like, my fire breathing dragon eyes, and you would look at me like so sorry

Pat Millea [00:45:02]:
Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not pushing. Don't let them get me. So what you what you didn't say is stop touching me. Don't touch me again. What you said was that feels like you're brushing me aside. So Pushing me away.

Pat Millea [00:45:15]:
What we have now gotten into the better habit of is instead of, like, this is hard to do because it's an audio podcast, instead of, like, a little touch and just release, like, a little tap, like, a tap, instead of a tap on the back, it's like a rub. It's like a little caress. Correct. Like a aww

Kenna Millea [00:45:34]:
I said to you, I would love a caress. I don't love a shove. Yes.

Pat Millea [00:45:38]:
So I caress you through the kitchen nowadays, and it seems like that is received much more readily by you.

Kenna Millea [00:45:45]:
So much better. And I and I wanna acknowledge this too, like, because we did actually have someone write in and encourage us to do an episode on love languages and to talk about, like, how difficult it is when physical touch is not the other spouse's love language. Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:46:01]:
And it

Kenna Millea [00:46:01]:
ranks high for the other. Again, stereotypically, it's usually a man's high level language and a woman's low in her hierarchy. And then you add kids in the mix. Right?

Pat Millea [00:46:11]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:46:12]:
Who are just touchaholics. And especially if they're nursing or little or sick.

Pat Millea [00:46:18]:
So if there's a mom, stereotypically, who already, you know, physical touch is not in her top three love languages, and now she has been touched for 11 hours straight in the course of a day. And then her husband come home and is like, hey, hot stuff. She's like, stay in the other room. Yes. I yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:46:35]:
She's, like, how about the max of service? How about a gift? Would you run out and get me a gift? And and so, you know, the further phrase touched out. Like, I'm so touched out.

Pat Millea [00:46:42]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:46:42]:
And I remember that. I mean, it it it's changing now because our youngest is 4, and I'm not nursing and all that jazz. But but I remember that, and I kind of remember panicking a bit because I was, like, I I remembered not too long ago in dating, in early days of marriage of, like, I loved to have that physical touch love language tank filled up. And suddenly, I was, like, I I can't even imagine that right now. I can't imagine wanting to hold your hand walking through the mall or wanting to snuggle next to you, you know, while we chat about something.

Pat Millea [00:47:11]:
Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:47:11]:
And so just a a word of, like, validation to couples who are struggling with this of all the more reason to have conversations. And again, you know, it's that that nudge toward taking your spouse at at face value of of that this really is their love language, and that for the other to to be to be flexible, to be charitable, to be generous, especially if you're in these early years, which we know so many listeners are of family life, where there is a lot expected of both parents, but especially if, you know, a mother is nursing or a child prefers a mom, which we know what that feels like in our household right now Oh, yeah. That that there's just a lot being asked. Right? A lot of physical demands.

Pat Millea [00:47:54]:
Mhmm. So And just another great encouragement to be as open as possible about this stuff. Right? It it it means so much more if a husband who really craves physical touch and just isn't receiving it from his wife for whatever reason at this stage of their marriage, if he can go to her and instead of leading with anger instead of leading with the hurt feelings which are totally natural and understandable instead of leading with those things taking the space taking the time that you need to lead instead with darling I love you so much and I because I love you I love to be around you I love to be close to you and one of the ways that I feel closest to you is when when we hug, when we hold hands, when we snuggle when we have happy married time in the bedroom

Kenna Millea [00:48:49]:
Does that make it x rated when we say sex?

Pat Millea [00:48:52]:
No it doesn't, it's fine when we have sex like I I love these kinds of physical connection connections with you. Right? And just leading with love. And and for a wife or a husband, whoever maybe is not really high on the physical touch scale, for them to to reassure their spouse or their significant other, I love you. I do love you. It's really hard for me to feel comfortable with physical touch, maybe especially in the middle of, yeah, nursing, toddlers, things like that. Right? So just being able to be open to be clear to make sure that that you're reassuring them of your love for them, what you desire, and then finding a way to work together to come up with kind of a love game plan if you want about how you can communicate love in ways that both you can can receive well.

Kenna Millea [00:49:40]:
Mhmm. And and you may need to really call on that secondary love language as well Yeah. Even more so, you know, than that time. But Mhmm. But Yeah. But finding a way to meet each other's needs, which let's back up. Okay. How do we even know this? You know, maybe as you're listening, you've you've got a sense of what your top languages are as we've talked through these.

Kenna Millea [00:50:00]:
A way to know more, is to take the love language quiz, which is linked up on the show notes, and to ask your significant other to do the same, and then have a conversation about it, which I'm totally jumping ahead. But that is our challenge by choice, is to take the love language quiz, and then have a conversation about it and to consider ways in which it's already happening and, like, celebrate the wins, of, like, yeah, we're already doing this. Or that makes sense that last week when you, you know, filled up the gas for me or last week when you left that post it note for me, or I'm remembering Pat when we were dating, especially long distance, I used to send you cards all the time. Now knowing that words of affirmation don't really ring true for you or aren't strong for you. I don't know that those mattered, but I spent a lot of my hard earned pennies on stamps.

Pat Millea [00:50:44]:
They're never wasted.

Kenna Millea [00:50:46]:
Nope. I I enjoyed it. But, but, you know, looking and and considering like, oh, yeah. Here are the ways we are speaking one another's language. Here are some opportunities to fill the gap, ways in which we've been missing each other. So just a great springboard for a conversation again, as we are in a season of the year where, you know, Hallmark and hearts and candies and roses and all that are just around us. Let let's let's run with it. Let's use it as an opportunity to talk about this

Pat Millea [00:51:14]:
Mhmm.

Kenna Millea [00:51:15]:
For for the good of the relationship and and for the glory of God, right, to, really honor and celebrate that we are different. And, so to to meet one another in the midst of our differences is it's gonna require effort. It's gonna require sacrifice. And that my friends is what love is all about. Be not afraid.

Pat Millea [00:51:33]:
Self gift. Here we go. Yes.

Kenna Millea [00:51:34]:
That's true.

Pat Millea [00:51:35]:
Well, thank you for that challenge by choice, friends. You gotta take the quiz. Have fun with it.

Kenna Millea [00:51:39]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:51:39]:
This is like it's a fun project. I don't know. Like, it is it's fun to talk about the ways that you can love the people you love even better. And for someone who loves efficiency, my 6th love language bride, what a great way to make sure that your efforts have, like, the maximum impact.

Kenna Millea [00:51:57]:
Mmmm.

Pat Millea [00:51:57]:
You know what I mean? That

Kenna Millea [00:51:58]:
You're speaking the language you mean

Pat Millea [00:51:59]:
Yeah. Yeah. You're not just like the the image that always comes to mind for me is like if you want to text someone a really wonderful encouraging loving text, you're gonna send them a message that's super loving, but you have one digit wrong in the phone number that you're sending them. You can say the nicest things in the world and you think you have done everything that you could possibly do to make them feel loved and they literally never even see it.

Kenna Millea [00:52:26]:
They didn't get the message.

Pat Millea [00:52:26]:
Right. They they can't receive it in that way which is you know it's a little bit stark. It doesn't exactly where it's not like they don't hear your words if words of affirmation aren't your love language but, there is something there about like the the the effort might just be missed a little bit if it's not their love language. So knowing what theirs is being able to love them as well as you want to as well as they they can possibly receive.

Kenna Millea [00:52:51]:
Yeah. That's beautiful. Can you pray for us?

Pat Millea [00:52:53]:
I would love to pray.

Kenna Millea [00:52:54]:
Okay.

Pat Millea [00:52:55]:
Absolutely. Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen. God of love, we we praise you, we love you, and we thank you for for being the God who is love, for inspiring love in us, for calling us to love, and for putting the amazing people in our lives that you call us to be in relationship with, and to love in deep and powerful ways. Lord, we pray for the courage, for the clarity to to acknowledge our own love languages, to communicate those with the people we love, to have good and healthy conversations with our loved ones about their love language, to be able to share love, to be self giving in ways that they can receive. We pray, Lord, especially for healthier and more loving relationships and especially marriages throughout the world, Lord, that we can be a greater image of your love for the church and vice versa in our own marriages. Lord, please bless us as we continue to love you and love each other and help us to love more and more like you we ask all this Lord in your name amen name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit Amen well my love it's been just a joy to be with you.

Kenna Millea [00:54:22]:
Yeah. Fun to break open this topic.

Pat Millea [00:54:23]:
Dear listener, it's been a joy to be with you. This is no exaggeration. You don't just have to tell us all of the songs about love that we missed, but we would love to hear what is your love language? How do you receive love for others? What conversations have you had with your spouse or your children or your significant others about this stuff?

Kenna Millea [00:54:39]:
How did this bear fruit in your most intimate relationships? Yeah. Like, how has this become important? Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:54:45]:
So you can connect with us on Instagram @thiswholelifepodcast. You can send us a message and check out some more info about this stuff. You can visit our website at thiswholelifepodcast.com and you can find the show notes for this episode with the online quiz that we talked about with the kind of 1 page summary of all the different love languages. You can also send us a message through the website there, and we love you, listener. We will see you next time

Kenna Millea [00:55:10]:
God bless you guys.

Pat Millea [00:55:11]:
On This Whole Life.

Kenna Millea [00:55:19]:
This Whole Life is a production of the Martin Center For Integration. Visit us online at thiswholelifepodcast.com. How is that in terms of volume and closeness and sharpness and all of the icky sounds?

Pat Millea [00:55:43]:
It all it sounds great. Okay. A little more?