Ep80 The 4 C's of Healthy Conflict

"A mild answer turns back wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
~ Proverbs 15:1

Is it possible to fight fair?
How can someone who hates conflict approach it better?
How do you turn conflict into connection? 

In this episode of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea dive deep into the heart of fighting well with the "Four Cs of Conflict." Drawing from real-life family stories, faith, and the practical tools of therapy, they lay out a step-by-step process to approach disagreements in healthier, more meaningful ways. You'll learn how to calm yourself, connect within before reaching out, recommit to the relationship—even in the heat of the moment—and finally address the real issues at hand. Whether it’s a kitchen squabble, challenges in marriage, or tough moments with friends, Pat and Kenna’s blend of humor and vulnerability offer hope and practical wisdom. Plus, they share their favorite “conflict hacks,” and recap why honest conflict can actually draw us closer. Tune in for encouragement, laughs, and a fresh approach to living faith and mental health in everyday difficulties.

Episode 80 Show Notes

Chapters:

0:00: Introduction and Highs & Hards
13:48: Practical approach to conflict
18:00: Is comfort with conflict built in or learned?
21:30: C #1: Calm
26:33: C #2: Connect
30:14: C #3: (re)Commit
37:58: C #4: Content
45:47: Challenge By Choice

Reflection Questions:

1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?
2. What is your usual approach to conflict? How does it serve you well, and how does it challenge your relationships?
3. Have you experienced moments of conflict bringing your closer to someone? What made the difference?
4. Which of the 4 C's stands out to you? Which C is something you need to work on?
5. What phrase will you use to recommit to moments of conflict in a way that communicates your desire for connection?

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Highs & Hards
• 13:48 Practical approach to conflict
• 18:00 Is comfort with conflict built in or learned?
• 21:30 C #1: Calm
• 26:33 C #2: Connect
• 30:14 C #3: (re)Commit
• 37:58 C #4: Content
• 45:47 Challenge By Choice

Transcript

Pat Millea [00:00:00]:
That fear is, I would say, at the source of every conflict. That doesn't go well. So to oppose that, you have to make this really overt statement of reassuring that person. I see the fear, and I am speaking directly in the face of that fear. You don't have to be afraid of that. Welcome to This Whole Life, a podcast for all of us seeking sanity and sanctity and a place to find joy and meaning through the integration of faith and mental health. I'm Pat Millea, a Catholic speaker, musician, and leader, and I'm here with my bride, Kenna, a licensed marriage and family therapist. This is the stuff she and I talk about all the time.

Pat Millea [00:00:47]:
Doing dishes in the car on a date. We're excited to bring you this podcast for educational purposes. It's not therapy or a substitute for mental health care. So come on in, have a seat at our dining room table and join the conversation with us. We are so glad you're here.

Kenna Millea [00:01:16]:
Welcome back to This Whole Life. It is a late night night special. You at home may not know how late it is, but it is late night for us right now.

Pat Millea [00:01:27]:
Daddy is ready to play. Let's go. It's. I am wide awake and I am fighting the yawns.

Kenna Millea [00:01:33]:
But it is so good to be with you.

Pat Millea [00:01:35]:
Daddy is ready to sleep.

Kenna Millea [00:01:36]:
No, I'm in. I'm in good space because this is a topic I'm super pumped about and so I. I'm pretty enlivened for this.

Pat Millea [00:01:42]:
You normally are.

Kenna Millea [00:01:44]:
And also, life lately has just been running on a later clock than I would prefer. So I actually am well conditioned. See recording at 9:30 at night in Minneapolis. So welcome.

Pat Millea [00:01:55]:
Welcome all the time.

Kenna Millea [00:01:57]:
Welcome to our late night show.

Pat Millea [00:01:58]:
I'm better off now than I am at 9.30am we are good to go.

Kenna Millea [00:02:01]:
Who knows where this is going? Well, it's good to be with you, my love. It's just you and I today on this episode, focused on conflict.

Pat Millea [00:02:11]:
You ready to have some conflict?

Kenna Millea [00:02:12]:
The four Cs of conflict. I know. I was trying to think of like a game and I was like, these games are real downers. Like, none of this is like. Like, best fight you've ever had. Like, correct. Like, no, we're not gonna do that. But we are gonna talk f

Pat Millea [00:02:23]:
Favorite national conflict. Go.

Kenna Millea [00:02:25]:
Oh, gosh.

Pat Millea [00:02:26]:
You start.

Kenna Millea [00:02:28]:
But they're. Yeah, no, that's weird. Okay, so let's talk about highs and hards and just get on with this because it's 9:30 at night.

Pat Millea [00:02:38]:
Man, that sounds great. Yep. Tick tock, tick tock. You'll be asleep in an hour.

Kenna Millea [00:02:41]:
That's usually my line.

Pat Millea [00:02:42]:
Better get in under the gun. That's right. Okay, so I think my hard has been. We're recording in the beginning of August 2025. And there's the dual hard at the end of the summer, which is a. I am beginning to lament and pre grieve the end of summer. You know, I love summer for many reasons. I also love fall even more.

Pat Millea [00:03:12]:
So it's actually not so terrible that summer's coming to an end.

Kenna Millea [00:03:15]:
Might you be sanguine?

Pat Millea [00:03:17]:
But winter has Christmas, and it's so great that was coming. So. All right, so summer, like, I do love summer. And when summer's sad every year, I will be sad this year at the end of summer. So that is hard. The other hard, though, with it being the second week of August, is that our children are ready to go back to school. And I say that, yeah, I was home all day with them today. I don't know, maybe you have seen a lighter side of them than I have.

Kenna Millea [00:03:41]:
Yeah, I was at work all day.

Pat Millea [00:03:43]:
Oh, they just need other children in their lives right now, like, on a daily basis.

Kenna Millea [00:03:49]:
I will say that when I pulled up today, five, five or six, five out of seven children were on the front porch together with various wheels, roller skates, ripsticks, bikes, like, hanging out, playing a funny robot game, trying to make each other be robots.

Pat Millea [00:04:04]:
That's true. That is true.

Kenna Millea [00:04:05]:
It looked great.

Pat Millea [00:04:06]:
So here's.

Kenna Millea [00:04:07]:
I didn't know if they'd been exiled to the porch, to be honest. I didn't know if it was like, this is your witching hour. You must go outside.

Pat Millea [00:04:12]:
Well, so here. And. And this is like a little glimpse behind the curtains of our family today. This is. Today is Wednesday. Okay. Today is one of the three days between getting our house perfectly staged to sell. We took pictures yesterday.

Pat Millea [00:04:27]:
The house goes on the market on Friday. I am leaving with the five youngest kids tomorrow to get them out of this perfectly beautiful, clean home. But today was the day in between, which was don't touch anything.

Kenna Millea [00:04:40]:
Yeah, you guys did a great job.

Pat Millea [00:04:42]:
Which is kind of impossible with, you know, seven kids at home, but we did our best. So, yeah, a lot of it was the act of, like, go outside, leave the house. You're happier out there. I'm happier with you out there. I love you, but don't touch anything. Right. So. So part of it is, yes, like, they are bickering a little bit more in a noticeable, noticeable way.

Pat Millea [00:04:59]:
The other thing that I'm just Now realizing is maybe my patience is thin right now compared to what it was in June. So it may be less about them, more about me. Regardless.

Kenna Millea [00:05:09]:
Interesting.

Pat Millea [00:05:10]:
It's time for a little change of pace.

Kenna Millea [00:05:12]:
That's an interesting little tease up for our conflict.

Pat Millea [00:05:14]:
Is it now? Yeah. There were a lot of conflicts in the house today and they did follow the four Cs.

Kenna Millea [00:05:21]:
In a minute we will grade them.

Pat Millea [00:05:23]:
Oh, my gosh. My high lately has been, I think, just like the light at the end of the tunnel kind of mentality. Like we've been just absolutely grinding to get this house ready to go on the market. We've had all of our normal, like work and family obligations that I am happy that we have. But it's like people in college would always talk about whether midterms or finals were hardest. And there was a whole part of the college that always said midterms are worse because you still have to go to class. Like you have your normal schedule and you also have tests on top of all that. That's what I feel like is happening in the past month in our lives.

Pat Millea [00:06:03]:
Like, we've got all of our normal stuff. And also, by the way, let's try to sell a house and buy one in the meantime.

Kenna Millea [00:06:09]:
So an extra full time job.

Pat Millea [00:06:11]:
So the light at the end of the tunnel is tomorrow I get in the van and I drive to Iowa with five of our little kids. The van ride is not the light at the end of the tunnel. But once we leave our house, there's nothing that I can do. I am done with at least with like house stuff. My job is to keep the kids happy and alive. Alive is number one happy. We'll see. I'm gonna, you know, be able to do some work, but relax a lot.

Pat Millea [00:06:36]:
I get to hang out with my parents and my siblings and their family.

Kenna Millea [00:06:39]:
And we roll into our family summer.

Pat Millea [00:06:40]:
Vacation and we go to the cabin.

Kenna Millea [00:06:42]:
Vacation yet this week.

Pat Millea [00:06:43]:
That's right. So we have a whole week away as a family next week. So that just right now it is. I am 12 hours away from the end of this really, really challenging month. So anticipatory fun.

Kenna Millea [00:06:57]:
Yes.

Pat Millea [00:06:57]:
Do you know anything about that?

Kenna Millea [00:06:58]:
Should we do an episode on that? On why anticipatory fun is the best?

Pat Millea [00:07:02]:
I'm looking forward to that.

Kenna Millea [00:07:03]:
Now who's choleric?

Pat Millea [00:07:07]:
You, my love.

Kenna Millea [00:07:08]:
Yeah. So. Well, okay, this is going to take a weird left turn. Okay. But my hard is perimenopause.

Pat Millea [00:07:17]:
That's so weird. I was going to say that, but I decided to go something different.

Kenna Millea [00:07:24]:
Hey, man, you want me to record at 9:30 tonight, weird stuff is going to happen. Okay, I'm going to talk about.

Pat Millea [00:07:30]:
Sorry I interrupted. Tell me about your. What did you call the other day? Adult puberty? What's the.

Kenna Millea [00:07:34]:
No, cougar puberty.

Pat Millea [00:07:35]:
Cougar, Cougar puberty. You got, you got to be careful saying that by the way.

Kenna Millea [00:07:41]:
So. Okay, here's the deal. And this is why it's your hard too. I'm going to tell you because it as, as people who practice natural family planning, this time of the chart is the wild wild west, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean.

Pat Millea [00:07:58]:
You can take all the temperatures and symptoms you want but. But who knows?

Kenna Millea [00:08:03]:
And so you and I have had many conversations of like, yes, what, what is this season calling us to? You know, what does it mean to remain open to life and also like on the spectrum of like stressed and concerned to not as stressed, not as concerned. Like where can we find ourselves?

Pat Millea [00:08:20]:
So it's, it's get excited for the series on sex coming up in a few weeks, by the way.

Kenna Millea [00:08:24]:
That's what I was gonna say. Right. And so this is a little teaser for a few episodes from now. We will be on an episode about NFP and we will certainly talk about perimenopause with our special guests because gosh darn it, I write this show and so we're gonna talk about the things that matter to me. But I'm so super pumped about our three part series on sex. And so it's been on my mind in the most like clinical and like objective way. And this is one of the things of like this is, this is seriously affecting my mental health to like not know where I'm at and to not be able to feel at. I mean I'm never really at ease like let's be clear about nfp.

Kenna Millea [00:09:05]:
But like to feel more confident in what I know about what's going on with my fertility.

Pat Millea [00:09:11]:
And we were in a good flow for a long time of like confidence that the signs are telling the truth.

Kenna Millea [00:09:18]:
And then we can reading the signs.

Pat Millea [00:09:19]:
We can trust what your body is doing. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:09:21]:
And now we're not like this is a time of change and this is like oh my goodness sakes. And there's lots of different decisions people make around that. And we are making the decision to be generous with the Lord's plan, with our lives.

Pat Millea [00:09:36]:
Okay, keep saying it, keep saying it. So one week ago we had a conversation. We had a conversation late night. We had a conversation in our bedroom. This Is not gonna get inappropriate. I promise.

Kenna Millea [00:09:48]:
No spicy.

Pat Millea [00:09:49]:
But you and I just had to make a decision, kind of on the fly, but also, like an umbrella general decision on the spectrum of the challenges associated with strict abstinence to the challenges associated with having a baby. Right. Where are you from on a scale from 1 to 10. Right. And it was really good, actually, for us to, like, have a conversation, but that's a conversation that we haven't had to have in that fashion for kind of a long years.

Kenna Millea [00:10:16]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:10:16]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:10:16]:
Yeah. So that is my hard of just, like, the. Yeah. The reality on the relational strain. The reality on my own mental health, because as. As amazing as you are, like, I would be the one carrying the baby. So, like, let's be clear in case you thought anything changed. Okay.

Kenna Millea [00:10:30]:
So that's my hard. Okay.

Pat Millea [00:10:33]:
That was a fun one.

Kenna Millea [00:10:33]:
Yeah. The high, I would say. So we're coming. The reason why we're recording so late. So many reasons, actually.

Pat Millea [00:10:41]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:10:41]:
But one of the reason. Reasons. Reason number 74 is we just came from our oldest child's freshman welcome picnic.

Pat Millea [00:10:49]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:10:50]:
Right. And. And even though she's going to the same school that she's been at since she was in kindergarten, this reality of, like, this is different. This is a different ball game. And hearing from the headmaster, meeting other parents and families that are coming into the school for the first time, it's just like, whoo. Like, I got some goosebumps thinking about it right now. And it's this beautiful moment of. And we've had some things happen with her this week that have been some challenges and just.

Kenna Millea [00:11:18]:
Yeah. This awareness of, like, wow. They really are separate from us.

Pat Millea [00:11:21]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:11:22]:
And I love it because in the case of this child, like, I. I just. I. I adore her. Like, she's just so wonderful. She is human, and she is wonderful. She got in trouble earlier this week. Don't worry, guys.

Kenna Millea [00:11:33]:
We're not raising, you know, saints here yet. Still walking this earth as humans. But, like. But she's so beautiful and so lovely. And I'm like, you are so separate from me. Like, you are so different than me. You see the world so differently than me in a wonderful way. And you make me better and you challenge me.

Kenna Millea [00:11:48]:
And so I think. Yeah. Being at the picnic tonight and just some. Yeah. Changes that are happening and new freedoms that we are allowing her to have and freedoms that she's fumbling and bumbling with. Like, it's just so stinking great to be called to this giving life, parenthood, guiding another soul to heaven business.

Pat Millea [00:12:09]:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:12:10]:
It's awesome.

Pat Millea [00:12:11]:
I completely disagree.

Kenna Millea [00:12:13]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:12:15]:
We should talk about how to handle that conflict. Just kidding. I am very excited about the high school process with the headmaster talking. I was having a little. No, like, active tears, but a little emotional moment.

Kenna Millea [00:12:28]:
Oh, yeah.

Pat Millea [00:12:29]:
Oh, boy. This is gonna be a fast four years, and we're gonna be at graduation before I am ready for it.

Kenna Millea [00:12:34]:
Yes. And I think, too, like, something that really touched me. I loved so much of what he said, and it's a large part of why our kids are where they are in school, but at the school they are. But, you know, he talked a lot about, like, giving our children freedom and, like, this is the time for them to make mistakes.

Pat Millea [00:12:49]:
And that was, like, one of the main messages of his little picnic spiel was encouraging parents, like, hey, you gotta back up. Let them go.

Kenna Millea [00:12:56]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:12:57]:
Chill out. Like, they need some freedom. They need space to make while they're.

Kenna Millea [00:13:00]:
Still under your domain. Like, while they're still under. While they're still close enough to home that, you know, when they mess up. Right. In college, you may not know for a whole semester or a year. So. So, yeah, just I. I think, too, like, there was some in me of, like, I don't know what these next four years are gonna hold.

Kenna Millea [00:13:18]:
And then, by the way, we have six more to do this with.

Pat Millea [00:13:21]:
Right. Right.

Kenna Millea [00:13:22]:
Am I gonna make it? I don't know.

Pat Millea [00:13:23]:
Seriously.

Kenna Millea [00:13:24]:
But yeah. So just this high of not just her, but we have one child who's turning 10 tomorrow. He's hitting double digits, which is, like, a weird milestone, but we really celebrate it in this culture.

Pat Millea [00:13:33]:
Sure.

Kenna Millea [00:13:34]:
You fill out all the fingers and the toe and, you know. Or the toes. Not the fingers and the toes. Fingers or the toes.

Pat Millea [00:13:38]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:13:40]:
It's a really big deal. He's super pumped. So. Yeah. Just this awareness of, like, they are separate, and that is so great.

Pat Millea [00:13:46]:
So great.

Kenna Millea [00:13:46]:
Kind of scary.

Pat Millea [00:13:47]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:13:48]:
Okay. Transition. As a friend would say, seamless transition.

Pat Millea [00:13:56]:
Great.

Kenna Millea [00:13:57]:
So we had. Have. It still exists. We have an episode on this whole life. Episode 43. That's episode 43, if you want to know that. On conflict that connects process over content. And it's kind of a.

Kenna Millea [00:14:13]:
It's a pretty, like, abstract, theoretical, I would say.

Pat Millea [00:14:17]:
Sure. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:14:17]:
Episode.

Pat Millea [00:14:18]:
Like, the idea of conflict.

Kenna Millea [00:14:19]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:14:20]:
How to approach conflict. But it's more like the value of conflict when you take this approach to it. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:14:26]:
And to have, like, a lens through which to look at conflict. Right. To focus on the process, which is, what is it like to be each of us in this disagreement in this missing miscommunication, in this missing of each other versus the he said, she said, which is content.

Pat Millea [00:14:42]:
I asked you to get a baguette. No, you said sourdough.

Kenna Millea [00:14:46]:
Yes, yes, exactly. Exactly. Like court reporter. Get in here and tell us who is right. So want to reference that episode and say that that is still valuable. And something that I've been thinking about, particularly as I continue to walk with lots of couples and families and individuals who are talking to me about conflicts with their families, their spouses, what have you. And as we live life and as we. As our kids are getting older, just becoming more and more aware of, like, there really are some hard and fast components that conflict should contain in order for it to draw us together.

Kenna Millea [00:15:25]:
And. And that's like, oh, again, clients gets. Look at me like I'm crazy when I say that conflict is meant to bring us closer. And it is in its best, at its. At its healthiest. It is an opportunity for us to learn about each other, for us to grow in appreciation for differences and for similarities, I think, and. And a moment to, like, regroup and feel reunited as allies and not enemies. So something that I'll often show clients is, like, you come in like this, right? You're.

Kenna Millea [00:16:00]:
You're locking horns, you're butting heads. You're, you know, bumping up against each other. And, like, my hope, my goal is to help you become allies, right? And to. To walk together, to be yoked together, and to move this. Move the family, move the mission, you know, move whatever forward. So, again, just to kind of ground us in, like, I am pro conflict, and this episode is not. I know.

Pat Millea [00:16:24]:
Don't I know it.

Kenna Millea [00:16:27]:
As the most conflict avoidant person in.

Pat Millea [00:16:29]:
This room, you're also a pro at conflict. I mean, you're really good at handling it. That's what I mean.

Kenna Millea [00:16:34]:
Okay.

Pat Millea [00:16:34]:
Not you pick fights.

Kenna Millea [00:16:36]:
I was gonna say, like, I win. I don't know. Pro conflict. So. So just to, like, I guess disclose that bias is that I do not. When I'm working with clients, when I'm entering into conflict in my personal life, like, my goal is not to eradicate it. What this episode is about is not, like, how can you avoid conflict? How can you make it disappear from your life forever? Yeah, no, like, I think there is stagnation. I think there's a lack of vivacity in marriages and families and relationships that I see that don't know how to have conflict.

Kenna Millea [00:17:11]:
And sometimes my job as a couple therapist is. Is to stir up the conflicts that.

Pat Millea [00:17:16]:
Are laying to Initiate conflict. Right, yes.

Kenna Millea [00:17:19]:
And, and, and it's usually because the members feel very insecure that they do not have the skills. And they're usually right, let's be clear.

Pat Millea [00:17:26]:
Yeah. Like, yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:17:27]:
And it's like, holy cow, that would be an absolute can of worms that I am not equipped to open. So I'm like, yes, let's equip you.

Pat Millea [00:17:35]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:17:37]:
Episode 80. So episode 43. Episode 80.

Pat Millea [00:17:41]:
Quick question from somebody who A is not a therapist and B is self professed conflict avoidant at times. I don't know if you've noticed, but at times I can prefer harmony to connection through conflict. Right. Okay. So the question is, you and I, in the work that we get to do, hear from a lot of people who say, I hate conflict, I'll do anything to avoid conflict. Right. And they'll admit that that's not necessarily a good thing, but that's just like the way they're kind of wired or something. How much of somebody's comfort with conflict is part of their temperament.

Pat Millea [00:18:20]:
It's just kind of built into the stuff of their person. And how much of it is maybe a lack of these skills that we're going to talk about. And if they gained these skills, they would gain a lot of confidence around conflict.

Kenna Millea [00:18:35]:
Well, so here's the other thing that you're touching on around the skills is it is also likely that the person who is saying that they don't like conflict or aren't good at conflict has never witnessed it done in a constructive way. Right. They're thinking raised voices, rageful red faces, probably plates flying across the kitchen. You know, like name calling, people storming.

Pat Millea [00:18:58]:
Out, slamming doors and yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:19:00]:
Threats of divorce or separation or never talk to again or cut you off or you're out of the will or you know, whatever the thing. Like, like I, I often find that people who feel that way have never seen it done in a way that does connect in a way that does bring people together. And so yes, it's the skills, but it's also this like leap of faith, honestly.

Pat Millea [00:19:21]:
Sure, right.

Kenna Millea [00:19:22]:
That like there is a way that this can be done that you will be grateful for when all is said and done and most of us are like, that is a cliff. I'm not willing to hurl. Hurl. It's late. Hurdle. Hurl. Hurl myself over.

Pat Millea [00:19:37]:
Hurl. Yes, hurl like throw. Hurdle is like jumping over a canyon. Yeah, right.

Kenna Millea [00:19:43]:
Hurl myself over that.

Pat Millea [00:19:44]:
Correct.

Kenna Millea [00:19:45]:
And jump into the abyss.

Pat Millea [00:19:46]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:19:47]:
A chasm of sorts if one wants look at you.

Pat Millea [00:19:50]:
Can we Explain why that's funny.

Kenna Millea [00:19:52]:
No.

Pat Millea [00:19:52]:
So here's the thing, dear listener, my. You are one of you. The smartest person that I know.

Kenna Millea [00:19:58]:
My love, can you stop saying I'm.

Pat Millea [00:20:00]:
Not the smartest person? You are 100% the smartest person I know. You don't get to tell me what I know and don't know. The smartest person I know. Your only funny miss. Well, we discovered today that you cannot get the two cities around the Twin Cities straight. Annandale and Andover, and you cannot keep those straight. But you have always tried to pronounce the word chasm. Like what?

Kenna Millea [00:20:21]:
Chasm.

Pat Millea [00:20:22]:
Chasm. For whatever reason, chasm is just the thing that comes out of your brain when you think of a canyon or a gap. Anyway, but you said chasm correctly at that time. Very good. Nice job.

Kenna Millea [00:20:33]:
I really use it on purpose. I wrote it in the script and everything.

Pat Millea [00:20:35]:
Nice job.

Kenna Millea [00:20:36]:
Okay, so to your question, Pat, I do think, yes, there are skills that are missing, and also there can just be this the stuff we bring with us of like. But I have never seen it done that way before. And so I don't know that I really trust you. Kenna.

Pat Millea [00:20:52]:
Yeah, that.

Kenna Millea [00:20:53]:
That I'm capable of that. Okay, maybe other people over there are, but am I really capable of that? So anywho. So I have forced my way into a four Cs of conflict, hopefully easy to remember device.

Pat Millea [00:21:08]:
Beautiful. Great. So the four Cs of conflict.

Kenna Millea [00:21:11]:
The four Cs of conflict. So they are calm, connect, commit content, which listeners may be intrigued to hear that my fourth C is content. After I preach against you.

Pat Millea [00:21:24]:
You do want content. Okay, great.

Kenna Millea [00:21:25]:
I do want content, but I want it in its rightful place. Okay?

Pat Millea [00:21:28]:
So first things first.

Kenna Millea [00:21:29]:
So here's the deal. The first bit is to calm. When we are in conflict, most of us are not attuned enough to notice the really early warning signs. And so by the time we know, oh, I'm in conflict, it's usually because I am what we call outside of my window of tolerance. Right. I'm in such a state of emotional distress that I'm in a fight flight, freeze, faint mode, usually that I am in my survival brain and it is no longer important to me to stay connected to you. Being connected to you is not essential to my survival, says my reptilian brain.

Pat Millea [00:22:18]:
Sure.

Kenna Millea [00:22:19]:
Defeating you because you are my predator right now. Right? You are. I'm locking horns with you. You are the. The. The zebra to my lion. I don't know, you know, like. Like, you are.

Kenna Millea [00:22:30]:
You are the thing I'M trying to devour and take down. Connection is the farthest thing from, especially with you, maybe from everybody else. Right on my mind. And so the first step in conflict is so counterintuitive. It's that I've got to calm that down. I've got to get back to the place where I am what we call back in my window. And within my window, I am my true self. I am that person who remembers, hey, guy that I took vows with, hey, you know, child that I birthed in love and who is, yes, an angsty teen and is really pushing my buttons and my limits right now.

Kenna Millea [00:23:08]:
But like, I love you. Hey, you know, parent that I really respect and want to honor and, and who I know has much wisdom and who loves me and cares like. But when I am in that raging bull, you know, we're in conflict mode, I'm not interested in connection. I'm not interested in moving this relationship forward. And so I've got to do the really hard thing of calming. And it is, it is really difficult to take a step back, to slow things down, to be able to give myself the soothing that I need.

Pat Millea [00:23:43]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:23:43]:
And to give you permission. This is a really hard one for couples too. When you are not the spouse that is worked up to be able to take the break. You're like, I'm fine. Let's, let's, let's figure this out. Let's sort this out. What is the matter with you? Like, why are you so worked up over this? And it, it's hard to explain to couples. Like, it doesn't matter if you're not the one who quote, needs the timeout and the cool down and the calming break.

Pat Millea [00:24:08]:
Yeah, yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:24:09]:
If one of you needs it, the marriage needs it. The relationship, the relationship needs, parent, child, relationship needs it. Like, if one of you is unable to be in that true self place of this relationship is the greatest priority for me right now in this conversation. You need to calm. And so figuring out what is that for you being able to take some space. I have a lot of clients who need to move, who need to walk, who need to move their bodies around, be able to stretch in order to, in order to help their nervous system settle. Figuring that out, like, it's different for each person and it takes time and it takes patience. But see, number one, calm.

Pat Millea [00:24:57]:
How, how can somebody figure out what works for them? Is it just trying a bunch of different things or is it looking back through your past and figuring out what helps you to, to come down from a rage mountain or to come back to a tough situation when you've run away. What, what, what should people kind of look for?

Kenna Millea [00:25:19]:
Yeah, good question. So, so what I would say is considering opposite action. So for me, for example, when I'm upset, when I think back to like pivotal moments of conflict with different people, I'm. I'm already doing it right now. Like I'm tense, my jaw is tight.

Pat Millea [00:25:37]:
I'm getting a little nervous over here.

Kenna Millea [00:25:38]:
But my shoulders are creep. My ears, like my muscles are, you know, feeling tight. So opposite action for me is like, how can I stretch that out? How can I make more space? How can I soften? Some people, they know that they're in that stress mode because they are out, right? They have kind of floated away to another land and they need to re engage, they need to move their bodies, they need to drink something cold, they need to eat something that kind of alivens them and awakens them and brings them back in. Exactly. So, so again, it takes time noticing, right? It doesn't have to be a total shot in the dark, but like noticing like, what is my tendency? Where do I tend to go? What part of my body tends to hold the stress and the tension when this happens? And I would suggest starting with opposite action and seeing if you can kind of undo, unwind that great calm. First C. I love it. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:26:33]:
So the second C is to connect, but within yourself. Right. So if you notice, calm is not about like in that moment. I can't be the one to calm you, like if you're seeing me as the, the lion on the, on the Sahara or whatever.

Pat Millea [00:26:48]:
I still remember a Babylon Bee headline from years ago. Right. So Babylon Bee is like a Christian based satirical news site. So it's all fake, literally fake news. Not 2024 fake news, but like actually made up news stories just to be funny and goofy, whatever. And one of them was the headline was Husband brilliantly wins argument by telling wife to just calm down.

Kenna Millea [00:27:17]:
Yes, yes, yes.

Pat Millea [00:27:20]:
So you're telling me that is not what the first C. Apparently. Satire.

Kenna Millea [00:27:23]:
Yes, yes. It's not the first C that I'm proposing. No. To tell someone to calm down has never worked in the history of the world, to my knowledge.

Pat Millea [00:27:31]:
This is self soothing. This is helping myself to be at a state of connection. Okay, great.

Kenna Millea [00:27:36]:
Yes. So then the second would be to connect within yourself. So before I can worry about communicating with, you know, my child that I'm in a conflict with, or with my co worker that I'm in a conflict with, I have to be able to articulate within myself what's going on in me. I have to be able to be in a place of curiosity. There's another C. We could add another C. The five C's of conflict. I have to be able to be in a state of curiosity about what might be going on for the person on the other side of the table.

Kenna Millea [00:28:09]:
And if I can't get to that place where I can answer, you know, in my journal or just on my walk in my own head, like, here's what I really hope he understands, or here's what I think she's missing, you know, in our conversations that I really want her to. To get about what it's like to be me. If you can't articulate that and if you can't be ready to receive and to consider what the other might be feeling. In the same vein, you haven't calmed enough and you need to go back to square one. So the second is to connect within yourself.

Pat Millea [00:28:42]:
Yeah, yeah. Which feels like there's a lot of empathy, a lot of. Whether it's. It's with a child, with a parent, in a marriage. I would say, in particular, getting back to, like you said, like, seeing this person as, first of all, a person that I love and I want to be connected to. Second of all, a person who has their own perspective, their own experience, that that work of connecting with myself probably starts to, like, break down some defensiveness as well, of just assuming that I am right and they are wrong.

Kenna Millea [00:29:15]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:29:16]:
And my job in this conflict is to help them understand how wrong they are.

Kenna Millea [00:29:19]:
Also called winning.

Pat Millea [00:29:20]:
Right? Winning. Yes. Yeah. Triumph.

Kenna Millea [00:29:22]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:29:22]:
Which we have a whole other episode about defensiveness and how that's one of the four horsemen and relationship. So I feel like there's. While you're talking about the connection inward, that I need to connect to myself and make sure that I'm in a place to engage in healthy conflict. It makes sense to me that a lot of it is going to be about connecting with the other person, that the goal of connecting with myself is to eventually connect to that person.

Kenna Millea [00:29:47]:
Yeah, exactly. To get myself back in that state of mind. Right. Because again, if we go back to the first step, why did we need to calm? Because I saw you as the enemy. I saw you as threat to my safety, my security, my happiness, my survival. And I've got to get back to a place where that's no longer my prevailing belief. That's no longer the lens through which I'm listening to and seeing you and approaching you. Yeah, so, yeah, Absolutely.

Kenna Millea [00:30:13]:
Absolutely. Okay. 3rd C. 3rd C. This is the biggie. This is the one. Like, if you have been zoning out, I need you to come back to earth right here, right now. The third C is to commit.

Kenna Millea [00:30:25]:
And really it's recommit. But that didn't fit with my whole four Cs. So it's. It's recommit. Okay. It's quiet.

Pat Millea [00:30:32]:
Parenthetically.

Kenna Millea [00:30:33]:
Yeah, parenthetically.

Pat Millea [00:30:35]:
I'll put it that way. In the show. Notes, parentheses, tiny R E. Yes. Comment.

Kenna Millea [00:30:40]:
Yes. Okay. So this is my favorite thing. And this is. I. I use a lot of emotionally focused couples therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson with couples. And this is for sure one of my favorite takeaways from her.

Kenna Millea [00:30:54]:
I just waffled there and said, one of my favorite. It really is my favorite takeaway from her. I'm going to. I'm just going to. It's going to be the.

Pat Millea [00:30:58]:
How about you commit to which one is your favorite, huh?

Kenna Millea [00:31:01]:
So I'm going to say her brilliance in. In recognizing that when we have come from a state of usually high conflict. Right. To even. For us to even notice this conflict and for us to start this kind of protocol that I'm laying out, it's usually because we have really, like, locked horns or one of us is really shut down. Right? Like, we're really in our fight, flight, freeze, faint modes. And we have to make an outward statement that we are going to do something differently this time than how it just went. And.

Kenna Millea [00:31:36]:
And so I love helping my clients come up with, like, their script. And, Pat, you and I have gotten better about this as the years have gone on, partly because we've used emotionally focused couples therapy with a therapist for ourselves, but also because I've become so convicted and seen how this makes a difference with couples that I have to say to you. Oh, my gosh, you know, in your case, Pat, you. You tend to withdraw, right? You fall more into that faint and freeze.

Pat Millea [00:32:04]:
That is true, yes.

Kenna Millea [00:32:06]:
Category and little flight. So, yes. So I have to say something that lets you know that, like, whoa, I see you and I see how, you know, you're pulling away and I'm on the attack and, like, I want to slow this down with you. It is not my number one goal to win, to prove my point, to get my way to defeat you, to show you that you're wrong. To show you that you're bad. To show you that I'm good. Like, all the things. Right?

Pat Millea [00:32:30]:
Like, which I can't help but go back to your little lion zebra metaphor and having the lion Go to the zebra. Like, hey, buddy, let's be friends. Promise you not going to eat you. I don't just ignore the teeth. The claws are not here.

Kenna Millea [00:32:41]:
What about the Finding Nemo scene when the sharks. Like when Nemo and.

Pat Millea [00:32:45]:
Yeah, right, right. The.

Kenna Millea [00:32:47]:
The.

Pat Millea [00:32:47]:
Like A.A. dory. Yeah, yeah, like, exactly. Fish are friends, not food.

Kenna Millea [00:32:52]:
Yeah, like that. Right. So. So to come to you and to make this recommitment statement of our. I lost sight of the fact that our relationship is of paramount importance to me. I lost sight of that. And that's why I flew off the handle. That's, you know, whatever, whatever.

Kenna Millea [00:33:13]:
I'm recommitting to this space between us being a safe, secure, healthy, connected space. And you have to say that out loud.

Pat Millea [00:33:23]:
Yeah, totally.

Kenna Millea [00:33:24]:
Especially if you are the one on the attack. Like, you've got to say that. And also I would say for the one who withdraws to be able to say, I'm. I'm here. Like, I am. I'm with you. This is hard for me.

Pat Millea [00:33:38]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:33:38]:
I need us to slow it down because I want to stay with you. I don't want to flee from you. I don't want to freeze and just possum. Fall out of the tree on you. Like, I want to be in this with you. This is important to me to feel connected to you. This third step, this third c. This commit is huge.

Kenna Millea [00:33:58]:
And even if you don't do 1, 2, 4, like perfectly or well or whatever, like, if you can get three down, I would put good money that conflict is going to be reduced. And also when it shows up, because it's gonna keep showing up. When it shows up, you will be able to navigate it more smoothly because that is going to bring us back into that window. It's going to allow us to feel safe again and go, okay, all right.

Pat Millea [00:34:26]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:34:26]:
You are the one that I want to be allied with, not at loggerhorns.

Pat Millea [00:34:30]:
With, because a loggerhead.

Kenna Millea [00:34:32]:
Loggerhead.

Pat Millea [00:34:33]:
Loggerheads.

Kenna Millea [00:34:35]:
Guys, 10 o'.

Pat Millea [00:34:36]:
Clock. Locked horns. Loggerheads. Pick your one. Pick either one. Yeah, but you can't lock. Whatever. I don't want to get confused.

Pat Millea [00:34:43]:
Two things. A, the reason I think the commit phase of step three is so useful is that when. When. If you and I are not clear about that, that is the thing that feels like is under attack in conflict. It's not about buying the wrong kind of milk at the store. It's not about. I can't believe that you don't stand up to your parents more in these conversations. It's about the implicit sense that you don't want to be connected to me, that you don't want to be close to me.

Pat Millea [00:35:14]:
And that fear is, I would say, at the source of every conflict. That doesn't go well. So to oppose that, you have to make this really overt statement of reassuring that person. I see the fear, and I am speaking directly in the face of that fear. You don't have to be afraid of that. This may not be comfortable. It may not be easy, but I'm not gonna run away from you or try to overpower you in the midst of it. And the second thing I would say is the first few times that someone does this commit, stage this, step three, it may feel ridiculously stupid and awkward, right? Like stopping or like entering back into conflict after taking a break or whatever and just saying out loud, darlin, I care about you.

Pat Millea [00:36:03]:
I do want to be connected to you. I want to find a way for us to have a conversation about this that helps us to move forward together and not pull away. I don't want to leave. I don't want to step away. I don't want to just overcome your argument and win that. It sounds so dumb the first few times. And that's fine. It's a skill.

Pat Millea [00:36:30]:
It's a muscle to be flexed and stretched just like any other skill. So if the first few times it feels just stale and a little bit inauthentic, that is okay. This is a bit of a fake.

Kenna Millea [00:36:44]:
It till you make it, fake it.

Pat Millea [00:36:45]:
Till you make it kind of situation. Right. Like, just because it feels false the first few times doesn't mean it's false. Like, it's still reflecting hopefully what's on the inside. If you don't mean it, don't say it.

Kenna Millea [00:36:56]:
Yeah.

Pat Millea [00:36:57]:
But if any part of it just feels odd because you're not used to talking that way with each other, that's okay. Like, that kind of discomfort gets way better over time. And after a few repetitions.

Kenna Millea [00:37:09]:
Yeah, well. And I want to come back to what you're saying about, like, don't. If it doesn't feel authentic, even if it comes out in, like, a cumbersome, like, oh, my gosh, that was a lot of words.

Pat Millea [00:37:17]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:37:18]:
You know, kind of a way. That's okay. But if it doesn't feel authentic, not only don't say it, but it means you need to go back to number one.

Pat Millea [00:37:25]:
Sure.

Kenna Millea [00:37:26]:
You need to go back to that calming state. Right. Like, if you are still seeing red so much, they're like, no, I'm Gonna take you down. Like, I am right. You are wrong. Like, I will prove it to you. Like, you are not out of stage one.

Pat Millea [00:37:38]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:37:38]:
And. And you need to go back and self soothe again and be able to get to that place of like, gosh, what, what is. And sometimes that happens. Like sometimes you do try to come in and you're like, oh, no, no, no, gotta, gotta, gotta.

Pat Millea [00:37:51]:
I was calm until I saw you again.

Kenna Millea [00:37:53]:
Yes. Right, right, right. Okay, so that's number three.

Pat Millea [00:37:56]:
Yep.

Kenna Millea [00:37:56]:
Recommit. Okay. Number four. For once in my life, I am not pooping on content.

Pat Millea [00:38:04]:
Once in my life.

Kenna Millea [00:38:06]:
Okay.

Pat Millea [00:38:06]:
I don't know that, Stevie Wonder. Oh, for once in my life, something.

Kenna Millea [00:38:14]:
You had words and not the harmony. I could maybe know.

Pat Millea [00:38:19]:
Full disclosure, I don't know all the words, but for once. And we're listening to it on the way home. I'm telling you now.

Kenna Millea [00:38:24]:
Clearly.

Pat Millea [00:38:24]:
Sorry. For once in my life.

Kenna Millea [00:38:25]:
Okay, so for once in my life, I'm gonna talk about content. Because here's the deal, right? So many couples will say we never get, like, back to the issue, though.

Pat Millea [00:38:35]:
Sure.

Kenna Millea [00:38:35]:
Like, our. Our conflict gets derailed by how things escalate, and then we have the fight again in three weeks because we never actually dealt with it the first time. And I'm like, yeah, you do need to go back and figure out which car are we gonna buy or, you know, what are we gonna do when your parents. Blah, blah, blah. The thing I want you to speak up about, right?

Pat Millea [00:38:55]:
Like, you skip the third date to go to poker night.

Kenna Millea [00:38:59]:
So we do need to be able back into the content. Because after we've calmed, after we've connected within ourselves, after we've recommitted, then we can come back and say, okay, here's what I. Here's what I'd really like you to know about what it's like to be me. Here's what I. I'd like you to know about what I'm. What values of mine are touched here. Here's what I'd like you to know about. Why this is so important to me and vice versa.

Kenna Millea [00:39:30]:
Right. There's got to be room also for his or her content coming at you from the other direction. But we do want to be able to get into it and solve the problem and do our best to address it and be aligned again.

Pat Millea [00:39:41]:
Right? Right. And one little, like, kind of, I don't know, a little hack I think, that you and I picked up years ago in our graduate program is the phrase my hundred percent right. When it comes to conflict, you And I do it now just like we do it by instinct. It just become one of the ways that we talk. And it got proposed to us initially in the course of community life that we were living with other grad school classmates in an intentional faith community. So we didn't spend every night together, but there was one night a week where we had community night. So we would have dinner together, some person would cook, another person would clean up, we would pray together, have intentional conversation. And we really tried to like support each other and create this community that was not just roommates.

Pat Millea [00:40:27]:
There was something more than that. Right. And one of the things that they were very attentive to is that people are going to fight and they're going to get into conflict in community. That community, by the way, great training for marriage and probably for priesthood and religious life, because any community is going to go through conflict. So developing some of those skills is really useful, including all four of these Cs. But one of the phrases they gave us was this idea that if you and I are disagreeing about where we're gonna go to dinner on Saturday night, on a date night, Right? Using the phrase, well, my hundred percent is. And then you can say whatever your actual full on preference is, you know, so my 100% is we go to a sports bar and have burgers and beer. Right.

Pat Millea [00:41:09]:
Your hundred percent is that we go to Crisp and Green and eat salads. Oh, yeah, Gross. Oh my gosh. Acai bowls. Yeah. So that's your 100%. What that avoids is this idea that, like, what I think we should do, and it sounds very similar on some level, what I think we should do. I want to do this.

Pat Millea [00:41:30]:
I think we should do this. My 100% just implicitly suggests that there's a scale and from 0% Crispin Green for me to 100% double bacon cheeseburger with a Coors Light that I'm acknowledging I may not get my 100%. If all things went my way, this is what we would do. But I'm admitting right up front that I can accept not getting my entire complete way. So it gets at a fifth C, which is compromise. But I think it's a really helpful way that we have been handling conflict for many years now. Just getting number one, expressing out loud what my 100% is, just as importantly, hearing what yours is. And so that now the content is all the table.

Pat Millea [00:42:19]:
We can talk about it in a way that's open, it's fair, it's just. And it's a way that we can connect. Like, it helps me to know what you would like to do, and it helps me to express to you what I would like to do. And at some point, we both may end up at, like, 70%.

Kenna Millea [00:42:35]:
Right.

Pat Millea [00:42:35]:
Or one person is at 80 and one person's at 50 today. But in a week, it may be the opposite. It might be reversed. So it's helped us to really deal with the content in a healthier way.

Kenna Millea [00:42:45]:
Yeah, no, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think, too, there was. As I was listening to you explain, the idea of 100% and different various percentages is. I realized it was a bit of a boundary setting, too. Like, it's like I'm owning that this is what I desire to do. And as you said it, even when you were like, yeah, burger and Coors Light, like, I did not feel this pressure of, like, so I have to conform to what Pat wants.

Pat Millea [00:43:10]:
I guess we have to make him happy. Yeah, yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:43:12]:
Like, I. As you were saying it, truly, I felt this sense of like, yeah. And then I get to show up with my hundred percent and we get to figure it out, wiggle it out, you know, like you said, compromise, mix and match, all that jazz. So I think there's something in there, too. Again, just the. The essence of what we're talking about with these Cs in general is it's like, yeah, how do I make sense? Space for you to be able to show up.

Pat Millea [00:43:33]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:43:34]:
That's. Again, back to number three. The recommit is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm so sorry. In that moment of conflict, I really tried to take up all the space. And as I recommit to you, I'm pulling back and I'm wanting you to show up and to be with me, for me to be connected with you, for me to make room for you, which is going to have to be like a willful, intentional decision.

Pat Millea [00:43:57]:
Totally, totally.

Kenna Millea [00:43:59]:
So, yeah, those are my four C's.

Pat Millea [00:44:00]:
Boom. Four C's. Bonus C. Number one, calm. Calm myself. Don't tell you to calm down, but I get to do something to calm myself and be ready to enter into conflict. Step two, connect. I'm going to connect with you eventually, God willing.

Pat Millea [00:44:13]:
But first of all, the second C is connect within myself and understand what I'm bringing to the conversation. Step three, commit. It's a very quiet re. Might have been too quiet. Recommit to connection with the person I'm in conflict with and saying out loud, I want to be connected to you. I want to get through this conversation in a way that Brings us closer. I want to understand you better, and I don't want to beat you. Triumph, win, destroy, run away, fall down, play the victim.

Pat Millea [00:44:46]:
Something like that. And scene number four. Content. It's not that there's no place at all for content. It's that content has its rightful place. After we have gone through these crucial steps to make sure that we're approaching the conflict in a way that is fruitful and is going to serve the relationship and help us to actually be connected to each other.

Kenna Millea [00:45:05]:
And the content usually does start to kind of untangle itself.

Pat Millea [00:45:11]:
Oh, for sure.

Kenna Millea [00:45:12]:
Once we've done steps one through three.

Pat Millea [00:45:14]:
It'S way less complex and way less nuanced.

Kenna Millea [00:45:18]:
And, yeah, I want to work with you to figure out a mutually agreeable solution after you've made a recommitment statement.

Pat Millea [00:45:26]:
Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:45:27]:
Like, I'm like, oh, my gosh, I love you. Of course I want to be. Let's figure out where we're gonna go on this date night or let's figure out how we're gonna divide up the holidays this year. You know, like, I want to be partnered with you. I'm motivated to be even closer to you.

Pat Millea [00:45:40]:
Yeah, yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:45:41]:
After a recommitment statement and after we both come back in the window. So, yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful. All right, ready for your challenge by choice?

Pat Millea [00:45:48]:
How about a few more C's? Challenge and choice. Y.

Kenna Millea [00:45:52]:
We're so punny funny at 10:30 at night. Okay. Challenge by choice. As you pointed out, Pat, the recommitment statement, the commitment statement can feel just so awkward because it. It isn't natural. Right. The natural instinct is actually to keep self protecting and to keep, like, wanting to gouge out your eyeballs.

Pat Millea [00:46:13]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:46:14]:
And so sorry, you're just like, right here. My fingers were right there.

Pat Millea [00:46:18]:
So your visceral metaphors tonight are just on fire.

Kenna Millea [00:46:24]:
So I'm real close to REM.

Pat Millea [00:46:25]:
It's totally fine if you're not watching the video. You didn't see the hand gesture that was accompanying. I gouge out your eyeballs coming at.

Kenna Millea [00:46:33]:
You with my viper fingers. Okay. So to rehearse that, to get more comfortable with it, to figure out, like, what is the most natural thing that I can say. And honestly, the thing that came to my mind was an act of contrition. And you know, when. When we say the act of nutrition, we pray the act of contrition at the end of the sacrament of reconciliation before we are absolved, it can feel like, like there's just a lot of words coming out of my mouth and like, what the heck am I doing? And, you know, what does this mean? But at the end of the day, in an act of contrition, there are a few necessary components, and you can use, honestly, all sorts of different types of words. You can put them in all sorts of different types of orders, totally. As long as there are various components present.

Kenna Millea [00:47:22]:
And so for us in our step three, the third C. To recommit that, that needs to have the following three things. Okay. So the first is I need to communicate that the relationship is the highest priority for me. The second thing is I need to express how much I want to be connected to the other. And the third is that I want to try again, that I want to remain connected this time as we step back into the content, as we try this again. So however you want to say that, right, Whatever your style is, sometimes my clients, I'm. They're struggling, and I'm like, just use my words.

Kenna Millea [00:48:01]:
Like, just.

Pat Millea [00:48:01]:
Right.

Kenna Millea [00:48:02]:
Just try what I'm saying this time.

Pat Millea [00:48:04]:
Use the script.

Kenna Millea [00:48:05]:
Yeah, yeah. And then you can figure it out as you go. Say it ugly now and make it pretty later. Like, get the. Get the meaning or get the. Get the sentiment out there. Express it. Get it on the table, and we'll figure out how to make it your own as you go.

Kenna Millea [00:48:18]:
So my challenge, my choice is that's the homework. Like, figure out your statement that includes these components of, number one, I. I want to say it out loud that the relationship is the highest priority for me right in this moment, in this conflict. The second, I want to feel connected to you. And then the third is I want to try again and remain connected this time. I don't want to just go back and do it how we just did it.

Pat Millea [00:48:41]:
Totally Right.

Kenna Millea [00:48:42]:
I'm committed to doing it differently this time.

Pat Millea [00:48:43]:
And I'm going to add a little, like, optional challenge by choice, to think up an actual person in your life that you are likely to have a conflict with. Let's say in the next month, I'm going to say that the nicest way possible. So a roommate, a coworker, a friend that you are having a hard time with lately, a child, a parent, a spouse, a cousin, an uncle, anybody who's somebody that you're likely to have a conflict with. And maybe practice that. Maybe have that line in your back pocket ready to go the next time that they bring up the way that you stack the pens at work or something. Load the dishwasher. Right? Like, yeah, have that line ready to go so you can have it ready when the Opportunity arises. Yeah.

Kenna Millea [00:49:29]:
Yeah. It's good.

Pat Millea [00:49:30]:
That's great.

Kenna Millea [00:49:31]:
That's all I got.

Pat Millea [00:49:32]:
Here we go. Four C's. All right. Would you like to pray, my dear? Would you like me to?

Kenna Millea [00:49:36]:
I do.

Pat Millea [00:49:37]:
Please do.

Kenna Millea [00:49:38]:
Let's pray. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Pat Millea [00:49:42]:
Amen.

Kenna Millea [00:49:45]:
Come, Lord Jesus, Come, Prince of peace. Come and reign in our hearts, Lord. Bring us the peace that only you can. Can offer. A peace that sometimes. Yeah. Requires conflict in order to sort things out and to be known, to be shared with the other. God, give us the courage to step into conflict respectfully with our own dignity and honoring the dignity of the other that we can help build up homes, families, communities.

Kenna Millea [00:50:26]:
The church as a place that does not. Does not fear conflict and so is not susceptible to division and cut off, but moves forward toward greater love and understanding and. And that we take our cues from you to reflect just endless mercy to one another. God, I pray for our listeners, for whatever relationship is bringing conflict into their life, that something in what we've shared in this episode might be encouraging, might be hopeful that you might be present to them through what we've shared today. And I make this prayer in your holy name, Lord. Amen.

Pat Millea [00:51:12]:
Amen.

Kenna Millea [00:51:13]:
In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Pat Millea [00:51:16]:
Amen. Let's go have some good conflict, baby.

Kenna Millea [00:51:18]:
I just stayed awake.

Pat Millea [00:51:20]:
You did?

Kenna Millea [00:51:20]:
That is.

Pat Millea [00:51:21]:
Congratulations.

Kenna Millea [00:51:22]:
Thank you.

Pat Millea [00:51:23]:
The last C of the night. Friends, if you've stayed awake through this entire episode, just like my beautiful bride, check us out online at thiswholelifepodcast.com. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook @thiswholelifepodcast. You can check out all of this on video on YouTube. If you search for the Martin Center for Integration or This Whole Life on YouTube, it'll come right up. You can also send us messages through the website. You can text a phone number at the bottom of the episode description here. Check out the show notes for all the good stuff.

Pat Millea [00:51:55]:
And maybe I'll link the little scene from Finding Nemo where they go to the Sharks Anonymous group and your Stevie Wonder song. Oh, for once in my life. Oh, you got. If you are listening.

Kenna Millea [00:52:06]:
Oh, wait, now maybe I do know what you're talking about.

Pat Millea [00:52:08]:
You are not. You're faking it. You. No.

Kenna Millea [00:52:11]:
We are in a fight. Little rumble. Turn off this camera.

Pat Millea [00:52:15]:
Friends, on behalf of This Whole Life, we're going to go have a conflict of our own, and we will be connected and we will see you next time.

Kenna Millea [00:52:21]:
God bless you.

Pat Millea [00:52:22]:
God bless you.

Kenna Millea [00:52:22]:
Good night. You're not alone. You're not alone. This Whole Life is a production of the Martin Center for Integration. Visit us online at thiswholelifepodcast.com.

Pat Millea [00:52:50]:
And then C number four. I'm blanking. What was the word?

Kenna Millea [00:52:54]:
Is content.

Pat Millea [00:52:59]:
There it is.

Kenna Millea [00:53:00]:
Can you re record that, please, good sir?