This Whole Life
How does our mental health relate to our faith? How can we become whole while living in a broken world? Every day, we all strive to encounter God amidst the challenges of balancing faith and family, work and leisure, our sense of self and complicated relationships. Pat & Kenna Millea bring joy, hope, and wisdom to those who believe there *is* a connection between holiness and happiness. Kenna is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist; Pat served for 15 years as a youth minister; together they have 7 children and a perfectly imperfect marriage. From their education and experience, they share tools, resources, interviews, and stories that point the way to sanity and sanctity. (Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.)
This Whole Life
Ep106 How to Forgive Someone Who Never Apologizes
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"Someone owes you something, is indebted to you, and you let go of that debt. It's like it's written on an IOU, and you're tearing it up and throwing it to the wind." ~ Kenna Millea
- What does real forgiveness actually require, and why isn't "forgive and forget" a Christian idea at all?
- Why does it bother you so much more when your spouse or your kid does the exact thing you secretly do too?
- Is it even possible to forgive someone who never asks for it, or who's no longer in your life to ask?
In episode 106 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea break down forgiveness, starting with a surprising fact: nowhere in the Gospels does anyone ever ask Jesus for forgiveness point-blank, and yet he forgives constantly. That single detail unlocks the idea at the center of this episode, unilateral forgiveness, the practice of forgiving before someone asks, apologizes, or even realizes they hurt you.
They start with a simple, clarifying definition of forgiveness as canceling a debt, not forgetting it ever happened, then work through what scripture and C.S. Lewis have to say about why forgiveness might be the most disobeyed commandment in Christianity. Kenna introduces a concept from her spiritual director called empathetic repentance, the idea that what actually costs you your peace isn't what the other person did, it's the seed of that same thing already in you.
They close with a real answer to one of the hardest versions of this question: how do you forgive someone who's died, or someone you're no longer in contact with, when you'll never get to tell them?
This episode is for anyone still waiting on an apology that may never come, or anyone who's realized that holding out for one is quietly costing them their own peace.
Chapters:
- (00:00) - Cold Open
- (00:43) - Welcome and What's Harder to Forgive: A Game
- (13:09) - Highs and Hards: A Notre Dame Anniversary Trip
- (18:19) - Defining Forgiveness: The IOU You Tear Up
- (23:36) - What Scripture and C.S. Lewis Say About Forgiveness
- (40:41) - Empathetic Repentance: Why Their Sin Bothers You So Much
- (49:38) - Unilateral Forgiveness: What Jesus Actually Modeled
- (57:22) - Challenge by Choice and Closing Prayer
Links Mentioned:
Kellen Erskine | Bad Grocery Store Advice | Dry Bar Comedy - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfAe6Z3eAF4
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Interested in more faith-filled mental health resources? Check out the Martin Center for Integration
Music: "You're Not Alone" by Marie Miller. Used with permission.
